"Spit or Swallow" and other "ewww"ies... 

We all know there are tons of reasons for sex to cease in a relationship/marriage: medical, emotional, trauma, trust issues, the list goes on.

But even if none of those things apply, why don't people enjoy each other anymore?

I can't tell you how many times in a relationship in my past, my partner has been astounded and shocked at the things I would do for our mutual pleasure. I got the whole litany of responses from their ex's.

"Wow, she would never do that...she said it was gross."

"You are the first person I've EVER had be willing to do that, or even consider it"

"You actually LIKE that!? Wow..."

That's just a few of the most popular responses.

Ok I know you're thinking, "WHAT in the world did this woman DO, turn herself into a human pretzel during sex!?"

No. I simply enjoyed my partner. Completely, and without reservation.

Let me repeat that...Completely.

Let's get specific for a moment: blow jobs. Fellatio, eating out, going down, slobbin' the knob', face-f'kn...call it what you want.

Most women I've talked to hate it. They think it's gross, irritating, a waste of time, and would rather subject themselves to the chinese death of a thousand cuts before they open that mouth for their partner's penis. Why? There are a million reasons. But what I have found is that on a subconscious level, this is seen as a rejection of their man. A guy feels, on a subliminal level, that he has been rejected. Why? His penis is a part of him, and honestly let's face it, for some it's a rather large part of their self image. not all, but some. If your girl doesn't enjoy all of you, this has a direct effect (I believe) on the nature and level of intimacy in your relationship.

Go one step further: spit or swallow? Sorry to be blunt about this and ladies honestly, it never tastes 100% great. But it's your man, his seed, his virility and your rejection of it affects him on a cellular level. Even if he never says it, never shows it, protests to the nine heavens that he doesn't care about it: it still affects your intimacy factor.

Maybe you've experienced trauma in that area. Perhaps it hurts you physically. If so, these things need to be addressed, honestly, without guilt tripping or blame laying, but directly and with compassion.

I've never been to a sex therapist, I'm not a counselor, and not a sex therapist myself. BUT - from personal experience (which, I'll admit I've been around the block before, sue me)...intimacy can only be achieved when partners open up to each other and are willing to explore. Leave your inhibitions and insecurities at the foot of that bed.Who am I? I'm no model, I don't even consider myself beautiful in any traditional sense. But I know what I like, and am confident enough to gently instruct my partner in ways that please me, and do whatever I can to please him. Looks don't matter as much as people think they might when it comes to love and intimacy. If you give wholly of yourself to your partner, chances are he doesn't care what your body looks like. He thinks your confidence and willingness to be open with him is sexier than any playboy pin up.

True, deep seated intimacy in a relationship or marriage has to come from both partners being willing to open up and being vulnerable to their other halves. You can't be afraid to be that open with your partner, to address these issues up front before dashing headlong into a sexually defunct relationship. It just doesn't work. And it's not your partner's responsibility to bring this up. If you have issues with it, it's up to you to make your desires (or lack thereof) known. If you keep silent about it and pray it will never come up, you do a disservice to both yourself and your partner. And if you don't ever say anything, you really can't say years down the road that this is a huge surprise or a deal breaker: that should have been stated in the beginning.

This is where talking comes in handy. Yep, you guessed it, I went there. *gasp* Communication!

Believe me I learned that lesson the hard way (even currently) - my own mea culpa. I think I did my part to be open about what I wanted and did not want. My partner (husband) however, was not so forthcoming with the truth. And it's a struggle we face today, unfortunately.

I guess that's what this whole blog/rant is about: take the initiative, be up front with your partner (or potential partner) about these things. Lay it all out on the table, and there can be no surprises, no claims of "why didn't you ever tell me", no saying your partner had no way of knowing or that they were thrown a curve ball.

Believe me, I'd rather run someone off with the truth of my life, than to prevaricate and have them disappoint me or take off later on down the road when my heart is fully engaged to them. I would rather suffer a little disappointment now, than a huge heartbreak months or  years in the future.

Give your partner the respect of honesty. Let them make the choice they have the right to make. Is this something they must have in order to be satisfied and happy in a relationship, or is it something insignificant to them in the grand scheme of things?You might be surprised pleasantly to find that some men don't care about it, they'd rather give than get, etc. Then again, some men do put a great store on oral sex, or other forms of intercourse. If they do, then you might not be so inclined to be in a relationship with them in the first place, and should look elsewhere for someone who is compatible with your comfort zone.

Don't we all have that right? Shouldn't we all be able to expect disclosure from our potential partners when it comes to issues of intimacy, what's acceptable and what's taboo?

ok ok - end rant-

 In the words of Pamela Moran, from my favorite show Army Wives: "Have at it..."

Peace.