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Hating the man I promised I'd love 

Yes I hate this man. Funny that I hate him because I really don't know him. How can you hate someone you don't know? I guess because he's taking everything away from me. I know I sound like a victim, but that's because I am. I gave him my trust and he took advantage of it. Now that I'm awake to who he really is I am fighting back...and he doesn't like it. I'm trying to salvage what I can of my life for me and my son. My husband has already moved on in his mind to his new life. Shoot...he moved on this past January. It just took me months and months to get it. Denial is a powerful thing! I couldn't believe the man that I knew, loved and promised my life to had become this monster. Someone who shared my thoughts with another woman! What a betrayal. To not be able to have a single conversation with my husband and know that it would remain between us. That's a crazy feeling to have lost that trust. I hate him for that and every other selfish thing he's done this year that will affect my family for the rest of our lives.

 

I have a lot of anger now. People tell me that it's not good to be angry. I disagree. I've earned the right to be angry. I don't know how long I'll be angry. Some day I'll stop...when I'm ready. I truely believe that the opposite of love is not hate...it is indifference. Indifference to my husband is what I am working towards. To not care what he says, does or thinks. To not care about anything about him. To not give him a single thought. To me that is freedom from this hell he has created for me. So yes I am angry and yes I hate him. I dream of having a full, energetic, healthy life ahead of me...doing all the things we used to do when we first met but stopped doing as the years dragged on. I'm looking forward to feeling alive again and enjoying life. I'm looking forward to the day where I don't think about him once.

by BecksMom  232 Posts 

Posted on 11/26/2008 12:42 AM 		Get AlertsGet Alerts!
Sent to Friendsend to friend
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Tags: anger , moving on , betrayal
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Comments for "Hating the man I promised I'd love"  (12) (You must be logged in to answer)
It took me many months to get to the anger stage, I think it can be a healthy thing if it doesn't get out of hand.  To do the Carrie Underwood smash the guys truck would not be good.  Accept that you are hurting, it's normal, and try to get passed this phase because you need your wits about you to deal with the rest of what is to come.  Be well.
by Jamesalone   2778 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2009 9:33 PM
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You  desperately need to read about P.A.S Parental Alienation Syndrome!  Google it please!  For your kids sake!
by fedup2   7 Posts
Posted on 9/29/2009 9:08 PM
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UPDATE:
I am making progress! I have less hate, more indifference. I'm now going to have to fight my STBX for full legal custody, which I never wanted to do, but he is irrational and irresponsible and I can't spend the next 17 years arguing with someone who makes horrible decisions.

So I just called him to ask him where our son was. He pulled our son out of daycare at noon and then went back to work. I called his office at 2 and when he answered I hung up. I called him back at 3 and when he answered I asked him where our son was. He said our son was at his mothers and he only ran to the office for a minute. In the past these lies would anger me so much. Now it's just sad. I'm one step ahead of him now so it's disappointing to listen to him lie to me and KNOW he's lying. It gives me more resolve to fight for what is best for my son. I believe that is for him to spend most of his time with a parent with a strong sense of morals, responsibility, strong work ethic, correct set of priorities, etc.

I truely believe there is something wrong with my husband. I have many theories as to what is wrong, but since there is nothing I can do to help him, all I can do is protect my son from continuing in his father's terrible family traditions of adultery, dishonestly, selfishness, hedonism. I'm trying to put all my energy into that, instead of continueing to feel hurt and betrayed.

I know that my STBX isn't crying over us, so I need to stop also. He is such a horrible piece of crap, he's just not worth anymore tears.
by BecksMom   232 Posts
Posted on 12/23/2008 2:44 PM
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I would like to know what stages I can expect. There is talk here about grief, Anger, Indifference, and forgivness. It appears that i spend most of my time moving between grief and anger (mostly grief). 

 

But sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I just want the ability to hit her back. By that I mean I'd like to be the one sitting on the couch sending funny instant messages to someone that she might be jealous of. Just one time I like to say "I've got plans tonight. Have fun with the kids because I wont be home til later". I'd like for to see what it is like.

I mean she is having the affair, and I'm the one who suffers all of the grief and has to see a counselor. Is it too much to ask that she do a little of the suffering?
by Greatdad   555 Posts
Posted on 12/23/2008 11:13 AM
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Read my blog on forgivness....I am not saying it is easy, trust me...but I am working on it....you have every right to be angry.  It has been a heck of a year but I am truly looking forward to 2009. It can't get any worse. 2009 will be so bright for us we will have to wear SUNGLASSES......Vita
by vlady   2123 Posts
Posted on 12/23/2008 10:32 AM
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I truly believe that the anger comes after the hurt - it did for me anyway.  After 11 months and in a holding pattern now I still feel hurt -- I am still often angry when he lies about where he is at night, I just try to not let the anger consume me to the point of total unhappiness.  Work tends to keep me centered and of course my kids.  They know what a jerk my stbx is - they are spending Thanksgiving with me while he goes to see his red neck family downstate.  Have a happy turkey day,
by scared27years   283 Posts
Posted on 11/26/2008 6:58 PM
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Anger is a natural outcropping of grief- and that is what you are going through.  This is the death of a relationship.  A minister I know told me once that divorce is worse then the death of a spouse because there is no finality to it.  I agree.

Don't let the anger control.  Work through it.  I don't know how long it will take- we each have our own timelines for things like this- but I know you will get through it.  If you don't, you are letting your STBX still control you without being there.  Don't give him that power.

I had a very good friend who went through the stages of my marriage dying.  He told me it would be dangerous when I got to that point of indifference.  And, he was right.  I knew once I got to that point, there was no saving the marriage.  And, believe me- I tried.

I knew I had hit a milestone when I was out eating last night and I thought to myself it would be nice for me to buy my STBX a gift card for there.  Why would I do that?  To prove to him that I don't hate him, I just don't believe we are good together.  He is the father of my children.  I will always have that connection with him.  We've had very decent conversations in this last week which is more than we had the previous six months.

I know my situation is a little different that many here- since I was the one who left.  That doesn't mean I don't understand the pain and anguish of those here, it just means that I went through the stages of grieving while I was still living with my STBX.  Please- seek out information on the stages of grief and understand that you are very normal- just don't let it take over your life.
by Dactyl   2607 Posts
Posted on 11/26/2008 11:02 AM
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There is nothing wrong with using that anger you feel to help you through the divorce process.  It will help you to make sure you look out for you and your child and not be stomped on by him.  But I would not let him see your anger, show him indifference.  I told my stbx that since we both have attorneys, he can have his attorney contact mine until the divorce is final.  I have nothing to say to him nor do I wish to hear his cheating, lying, voice ever again.  Once I remove this douche bag out of my life for good I can then start to let go of the anger.  But anger right now feels alot better than the hurt and anquish I felt for weeks after discovering his cheating and betrayal of our marriage vows.  Karma will bite him in the ass, and perhaps it already has.  He has lost the best of everything....what a dumb ass indeed.
by madymom   206 Posts
Posted on 11/26/2008 10:40 AM
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Oh wow!  Been there done that!  If you could only realize that hating him only hurts yourself! What does he care that you hate him?  He don't care he is with some one else. He don't give a shit!  Hating someone takes so much time and energy and ways you down.  Changes you!  Believe me I know!  I was hateful for two years!  And alls it did is bring me down and make life a whole lot harder on my daughter!  One day I had a wake up call and said this isn't about you anymore, and I need to do what is best for my daughter!  And the best gift you can give yourself and your child is to forgive him!  Trust me it is the only way!  Once I forgave it was like a dark evil cloud was lifted!  It was only hurting myself it was keeping me from being the best person I could be and making the good choices about our daughter and not being vendictive and looking for revenge!  Trust me on this CARMA will get him!  It might take years but it will get him!  By the time my ex got his carma I actually felt bad for him!  Crazy huh?  I don't know you but feel your pain!  Please don't let him ruin you!  And hate does ruin a person!  Remember who you are!  You are better than that!  Do not give him the satisfaction of hating him!  It only makes him feel like he is something to be mad about!  Trust me it builds his ego!  And he don't care that he hurt you!  He is selfish, obviously!  Help your child build a relationship with him and forget everything else!  Be happy do things that make you happy!  I don't suggest bars!  I found the next looser at the bar!  So definitely don't do that!!!  Spend time with your child let your EX see how HAPPY you are and that is the best way to get back at him!!
by fedup2   7 Posts
Posted on 11/26/2008 9:27 AM
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For me anger was a good thing. My ex didn't want the divorce and each lie , each new girlfriend, each dirty thing I found out about him fueled my anger. It made it easier to get my divorce.

I have let go of the anger unless he is trying to play a game with my life. But the anger is not as strong as it was. I think we get angry for a reason. It's necessary to right a wrong done to us. But you don't want to hold that anger forever and become a bitter person. The goal is to work towards happiness again.

I'm happy now and have accepted the things I found out about my ex. They are not my problem. That's his miserable life for him to deal with. But I don't hate him. I don't think I am capable of hating. I feel sorrow for him. He lost the best thing he had in his life and that  was me.

So use the anger while you need it. It will help get you thru a difficult situation. I like you rname. I have a Beck in my life too.
Take care
by trisha9054   4967 Posts
Posted on 11/26/2008 7:03 AM
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My stbxh cheated on me for yrs I have since found out. Hate him you bet your a** I do and will for a long time. Maybe someday I can be indifferent toward him but not right now. I hurt and cry just when I thought I was getting over this somewhat. And just like you I think about him everyday wondering what lie he's going to tell our kids this time. I keep praying that God will strike him or his other wife will soon learn of his other lies( he has so many). Sorry for the rant I am just sorry to hear that other people are in the same boat as me. I feelso lonely sometimes. But today will be different. I know it can't get much worse.
by joanne64   22 Posts
Posted on 11/26/2008 5:35 AM
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I am familiar with your anger. I feel it too. I am trying hard to let my anger control me. I want that inner peace feeling. Every day move a little bit closer getting past him.
But I also think that my anger towards my stbx helped to keep me involved in findings his ways to prove his lies in court.  And proving his lies brings me joy!
by KLAS   162 Posts
Posted on 11/26/2008 1:53 AM
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