We Haven't Had Sex in 3 1/2 Years 

These were the words on the phone tonight from a friend that I am going to see over the Thanksgiving holiday. "I wanted to tell you on the phone," she said, "so we wouldn't spend the whole time with you saying 'no way!' and that we could talk about what I should do now."

And of course my initial response was NO WAY! You see, this particular friend is drop dead gorgeous, married to a man that's a bit of a nerd, but a sweet and sappy nerd. The kind of guy that when you call the house and ask to talk to his wife, he says "isn't she the most beautiful, wonderful thing?" To be honest, it annoyed me. Yeah, she is, but you don't have to rub it in! It got to the point where a bunch of us would only call her cell phone just to avoid the 5 minute littany of praise for her from her husband. It's not that we don't agree, but it felt uncomfortable and, when going through something like a difficult break up, or another friend who was pregnant and very single at the time, it could be depressing.

So of course, I said no way. I have known this woman for many years and she is a very sensual person. I don't mean that in a slutty way, but as in a person that likes sensory things. She likes good food and wine. She loves art and travel. And back in the day, I remember her dating a guy who wasn't so bright, but he was good in bed. In fact, if I recall correctly, they fixed me up with his friend who was equally not so bright but had other redeeming qualities. At least for a short time.

So to think of my beautiful, sensual friend in a sexless marriage is mind-boggling.

All I could tell her was that was my experience of marriage, too. And that is the experience of many friends that I have spoken with about their marriages. Even my brother and sister-in-law, who are two of the most beautiful people you can imagine, have complained about the lack of sex in their marriage. 

Sex should be easy, but it isn't. You both actually have to make an effort to make it a priority and to make the other person feel desired, at least that has always been my experience in relationships that last more than a year. Come a year and it takes more effort, I'm not sure why a year is the cut off for me, but it is.

My friend said their issues started before they even got married, which was 8 years ago. That makes me sad for her. To think that she has been living like this for that long breaks my heart for her. And yes, kids and careers and life stress can get in the way. But a sexless marriage isn't about those things, it is about something more fundamental.

She said that she didn't think people should get married. It's just too hard. I can't say as I agree right now, but I did when I was in it and unhappy.

I don't intend to tell her what to do, but I do intend to listen and give her all of my support. 3 1/2 years is a long time to feel undesired.