divorce360.com provides help, advice and community for people
contemplating, going through or recovering from divorce and the issues around it,
including separation, divorce laws, spousal support and emotional issues.

profile
Community  :: paula1's Stuff  :: paula1's Blog

  click here 
Personal Tags
ADVERTISING PARTNERS
Blogs
You can search for Blogs by tag here:


Invite Others
Invite friends and family to join you on d360! - Click here

just move on.  

when i was divorcing so many people said this to me. 

 

married people said this to me.  it always made me mad.  

 

just move on?  really?  like it's no big deal?  like it's equivalent to a long line at starbucks, so you get annoyed, but just move your car along to the shorter line at dunkin donuts?  

 

i would sometimes say to them, 'really? just move on?  could you just move if this happened to you?"   and they would usually joke....'hell ya, i would be out celebrating, are you kidding me? my (wife/husband) makes me crazy.'  

 

they didn't mean that. they were just trying to make me feel better.  

 

but it's patronizing.  you can't just move on in divorce.  these people made me feel like their marriages were real and mine was just a toy.  not worthy of any suffering. nothing to get upset about.  it was just a little fling.  not real, like their marriages were. not like what they have with responsibilities and kids and mortgages.    

 

"well, yeah, ok...so you have those things too,' they would say.....as they  continued to back shuffle...'what i meant to say was.....it's just not that big of a deal....go out, get your hair done....buy a pretty dress.'  

 

are you kidding me?  

 

i know that they really wanted to help.  and none are of us are taught divorce counseling for friends 101.  we are all just winging it out there.  what to say? how to say it?  

 

i get it.  

 

i'm not saying i would have felt better if they had said that they would collapse on the ground and just die if they ever faced divorce. 

 

but maybe, kind of, a little i would.

by paula1  12664 Posts 

Posted on 11/19/2008 3:35 PM 		Get AlertsGet Alerts!
Sent to Friendsend to friend
4

Tags: helping
<< Previous Post  |  Blog posts by paula1  |  Next Post >>


Comments for "just move on. "  (15) (You must be logged in to answer)
Paula, if divorce was as easy as they need to fantasize it is, they would all be happily divorced. to their personal projections, I simply reply,"It's not easy" way? "because it's important" . Like me , you are calling for understanding, and like me, you are getting validation of the kind of difficult passage you are bracing yourself for.
My humble opinion on your matter, is the personal experience I'm living; tell what you feel to the person you have feeling for, and tell the truth. Whatever answer you will get, it's what you'll have to live wt. That's it. Forget about the others, or you'll become their hero.
by goodcamper   5 Posts
Posted on 12/1/2008 2:31 AM
0



i know exactly what you are saying and in reality, everyone has good intentions and are trying to help but they do not realize that nothing anyone says will take the pain away. Maybe for a moment or two but then it returns. Unless you have been through it, you do not understand that you are really grieving the death of your marriage. Its a hard and painful adjustment. I was told by my dad that i just needed to stop crying and get over it and (more hurtful) i raised you better than this. Like I am wrong for crying because life as i knew it was over and everything i had worked so hard for was not appreciated by the person i loved most.
Stay strong and just remember that at the end of the day, everyone really is trying to help, but they just can't no matter how much they try.
by Lucy12   13 Posts
Posted on 11/24/2008 5:54 PM
0



RESULTS NOT TYPICAL.
by childless   534 Posts
Posted on 11/21/2008 5:12 PM
0



"You're a beautiful woman.  You'll find someone great."

Well, see I thought I had done that and it turns out I didn't.

"You're funny and smart.  The right guy is out there for you."

Is he?  I'm also 40 and have two kids.  Not many guys are beating down my door to get a piece of that hot action.  The ones my age who are available are generally either sad and desperate, or they're busy panting after 28-year olds.

So yeah, Paula, I know exactly what you mean.  The "smug marrieds" who, no matter how well-meaning, think there must be something wrong with you and it could never happen to them.
by duchick   619 Posts
Posted on 11/20/2008 7:18 PM
0



This past May, I was at a friend's home, and my 2 year old daughter started turning white, then commenced projectile vomiting, and lost all control and stopped breathing in my arms.  She regained consciousness and had a seizure. 

My heart stopped, as I held my little girl, absolutely helpless.  I requested my friend to call 911, and within minutes an emergency team took my daughter to the ER, and I followed behind the ambulance.  

The doctors explained that it was a febrile seizure, afflicts a small percentage of infants and toddlers, and not serious.  I thought my precious daughter was dying.  

I committed that day to do something good each and every single day if my daughter recovered safely, even though her condition was considered not life threatening.  It was a revelation, making me realize how fragile life can be.  

My point to others is that we all have a purpose, and we all have different periods of grieving- for a lost one, for a failed relationship, for illness, debilitation or even material losses.  We also have a responsibility, to others that care about us, our children or extended family, and also to ourselves.  We also have a choice, particularly to make our lives better.  
by DitchingMrWrong   14 Posts
Posted on 11/20/2008 8:56 AM
1



Well I have both sides of it! Been told to just let go, move on! Find yourself a good man, blah, blah, blah! I thought I already did that, been there done that, now look here I am again! I know they think they are helping with their advice, but if they haven't been through that devastation, they are clueless! Also heard comments like OMG how do you do it, I would die if this happened to my marriage! No, you won't die, may feel at times you will or want to, but you do get past it, so here I was giving them pep talks! Go figure! Life is funny, how we choose to live is our choice, I for one hope to keep a sense of humor, a loving heart, and forgiveness of the ignorant!
by kdb   3175 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 11:41 PM
0



Moving on? not easy, yet helpful.  My ex' moved on within' 2-months, which is only justification that it was never right in the first place, and realistically has helped  with some anger and resentment on her side about the whole divorce as a whole. It has also seemed suprisingly easy for me to open to new people, helping deal with stress, frustration etc.  In the end I am hoping she finds someone to make her happy, as I would hope that she would for me.
I don't think it right to jump into things head first and into a full-on "relationship", but hey it is tuff times and some fun and a confidant can help heal some deep wounds.......yea hard to move on, but start by making some new friends.
by scottie   2 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 11:22 PM
0



Yeah, my stbx has said move on to me multiple times. I asked him, how am I supposed to just do that because you decided that is what I need to do? I also got the I deserve better yadda yadda yadda...I know that friends mean well when they say it. I may have even said it to someone before (I hate to admit that)...I don't think anyone can understand until they have been put through that kind of pain and betrayal what it really feels like. Until they have experienced it, they are just doing the best they can to help. Does it make you want to scream sometimes, absolutely. Each of us are on a different timeline for healing and being ready to move on, there is no right or wrong way for everyone, only what is right for each of us during our time. I had thought about picking up some guy and having hot, mindless sex with him. I thought, that will help me move on. While I have enjoyed the thought, that is not my personality. I am not the type to have sex just to have sex. I need an emotional attachment (at least caring) first. That might work for someone else though. If it does, ok. I have decided to just focus on my kids, my home and my counseling and support group. I have made an effort to be more social, not dating but out with friends more. I am moving on. Slowly, but I am getting there. All of us will, but we will each do it in our own way when we are ready...
by militaryp   2952 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 9:26 PM
0



Oh yeah I heard this from people to and they are the ones who've never been thru a divorce and don't even know what the heck they are talkin' about.  I even heard this from my ex after I found out about the tramp and him - he said you need to move on and you will find someone else who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.  WHATEVER--it's his guilt talking for him and hellooooo I've just been burned by my ex that I was married to for 17 yrs and have 2 kids with--do I look stupid as to jump into another relationship and get burned once again!! NO!!  I just think when married people say this they don't know what else to say or else they think they are helping you get over it and move on.  The biggest thing I heard was--There's nothing you can do about it so move on and get on with your life!!  Easier said than done sometimes trust me!!
by freedom   1011 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 8:36 PM
0



Unfortunately, moving on is just a phrase people use when they really have no other words to console you.  I dont think they understand the depth of that comment, the hurt, and the frustrtion those words cause.  But that is what you need to try to do in any small way that you can to try to make not a new, but a different life with a future.  Hang tough and realise you got divorced because living that life was not working.  Try to make fun of something; anything, from that life when things get too heavy to deal with.   One small step at a time....give it a try!
by elmo   15 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 7:50 PM
0



I moved on quickly.  It made my ex mad.  But you know, it all depends on the situation. 

 

Just like ikey, I also heard, "At least you don't have kids."  In a divorce, you can still fight over things, even if you don't have kids. 

 

I think as we go through the process everyone feels differently.  Our friends react differently and even though we may know people that went through the process, we react differently. 

by purebredinip   1194 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 4:54 PM
0



WELL I HEARD THE PHRASE" AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS" BUT WHAT HURT IS WAS THAT I  DON'T HAVE KIDS BECAUSE I MEDICALLY CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN.....:-(
by ikey   130 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 4:00 PM
1



Divorce is worse than a death.  With death, there will eventually be some sort of closure.  "Just move on..." just don't cut it.  DayByDay - if it's any consolation - your ex will not make a good partner for his new "fling" simply because he hasn't allowed himself to heal.  I am dealing with the same thing - she's off with some rich guy - not a care in the world.  It truly is a karmic, cosmic world - what these people have done to us will come back to them at some point - with a vengeance.  It is not up to us, tho, to try to mete out that vengeance - we must do our best to heal ourselves.  That doesn't mean "just move on."  That means, cry and grieve; be angry and upset; deny things if you must for a time; accept those things that you have no control over; find an outlet for your feelings.  Divorce is a process - that's for sure - and it really sucks most of the time - "Just move on" does seem so contrite and people who haven't been through this simply can't relate to the pain, sorrow, desolation, remorse, anger, lonliness, dispair... should I go on, or "just move on?"  Ugh - sorry.  For those of us that have been dumped on for whatever reason, please try to progress through the process, but certainly allow yourself to experience the grief, all of the whacked out emotional pain - you will come out stronger on the other side of the pain.

Ok - go have a good day - I've got more crying to do...
by AbusednAccused   45 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 3:53 PM
0



I heard this from my ex two days after outing the affair.  "Get over it its not like I 'm the only one who has done it"  Once I heard that I knew we were done.  But I haven't heard that from my friends, what I do hear is that I will get over it, but it takes time.  If someone did say that to me I'd probably would have come unglued early on.  Now I'd just shrug them off.
by falcon81   377 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 3:45 PM
0



oh, gosh, Paula, it's like you took these words out of my mouth.... my ex himself says it to me more than anyone... probably cuz he's "moved on" with ease... new girlfriend within a month of the break up, no phase of lonliness, or really having to deal with any emotional turmoil....sure, he was the leaver, but he still seems to have skipped that "grieving/dealing with it" phase (still hoping it catches up to him one day) easy to say "just move on" when its not happening to you...
by daybyday21   144 Posts
Posted on 11/19/2008 3:43 PM
1





Divorce360.com is not a substitute for advice from a lawyer, accountant, financial planner, therapist or other professional to obtain advice. Divorce360.com is not intended to, and should not, take the place of professional advice. The opinions expressed in the divorce360.com message boards are those of the author and the author alone. Divorce360.com does not endorse any specific product or service.

expand information center
divorce360.com's ecards
divorce focused content ::
divorce most popular ::
1. When Is a Marriage Worth Saving?
10 Things to Think About When Considering Whether to Stick with a Relationship

2. 8 Things No One Ever Tells You about Divorce
Number Three May Surprise You

3. Divorcing? 15 Costly Financial Mistakes
Settlements: 15 Critical Financial Mistakes Often Made in the Heat of Divorce

4. Beginning Checklist: Planning to File for Divorce
12 Steps to Consider if You or Your Partner Have Decided to File for Divorce

5. Are You Ready For Divorce?
Three Key Questions You Must Ask Yourself