i've actually had friends tell me that they are glad they aren't me.  

i think too much.  

i know this.  i've been told this (countless times).  i'm aware, but i can't seem to stop.  

when i was pregnant with my first and having a routine dr's visit, i complained to the ob that i was worried about the wedding.   naturally, he said something like 'oh, so you two aren't married yet?'.  he was confused.   

'no, not my wedding to him, i said...pointing to my ex, who wasn't my ex at the time.  'we're married.  i mean my unborn daughters wedding.  i'm concerned about it. you know paying for it...and who she will marry, and how she can't even go to certain countries as a female, and how she'll always make less than men, and how she'll have to deal with that horrible conflict of career v stay at home motherhood, and how she will have to suffer with pms.'  

'oh' he said....and then chimed in with 'you think too much.'  

duh.  

it didn't just start with pregnancy. i can sort of understand that.  hormones and fear and all.   no, this goes way back.  

i remember thinking that if i didn't get the right seat in my homeroom in eighth grade that my entire middle, high school, college and post college years would be a wash.  why?  well, there was the 'it' group and then there was the not 'it' group. if i was seated with the 'it' group that would mean i would be a part of the club and get invited to the cool parties and date the cool guys and that would just continue in high school and then my entire four year career there would be ok, and because i was with the 'it' group, they would influence where i went to college and i would go to a good school, thereby getting a good degree and meeting good future networking people, who would help me advance in my career forever and that would translate into meeting and marrying a good guy and life would be lived happier ever after.  

some would say this is not healthy.  i'm sure they are right.  i'm tired of it frankly.   but i can't help it.  

anything and everything immediately transcends the immediate here and now and becomes a much bigger issue.  

the moment my ex called to say he wanted a divorce, i quickly saw the next 45 years spread out in front of me....quite clearly.   i tried to tell him what was to come.   he didn't listen.  he said something like 'let's just deal with this right now, ok?'  

i thought that was so short sighted, so immature, so ridiculous.  

i started telling him how divorce would not only impact both of us financially, but our daughter would probably become promiscuous (since there are studies that say that girls from divorce families are seeking approval from men....if the father is not a strong influence)...and i knew he would be an MIA dad...i warned him how our son would grow up and do this to his wife and kids and it would be his fault.  i told him how difficult it would be at the kids graduations and weddings (they were one and two years old at the time).  i asked him exactly how we were supposed to handle grand kids when we don't even talk?  

see? it's horrible.  

i've actually had friends tell me, after listening to one of these diatribes, that they are glad they aren't me.  i don't get offended.  i agree with them. it's exhausting to be me.  to constantly think about the domino effects and what could happen.  

it's funny. i knew my ex would cheat on me and walk out.  how could i have not known that right?  he did it to his first wife.  i told him, before we married, that i knew he would do it to me too.  he told me i was crazy.  but i wasn't, was i?  

some say that thoughts are things....that you create your own reality.  that maybe i'm making these things happen by thinking about them.  maybe so.   but how do you not think these things out.  am i alone here?  am i really the only one who thinks ten or twenty steps out? i can't be. i refuse to believe i am.  

i was talking to someone this weekend who told me that he never thinks about some of these things.  that he just goes along for the ride, basically. and whatever happens...happens.  he fixes it if he can. and if he can't, oh well.   

why does this frustrate me so?  why can't i do that too?   

sometimes this thinking thing really becomes ridiculous (as if the previous examples weren't enough already). 

for instance...i'll be thirsty..and think....well, if i get up and go get a drink then i'm just going to make a mess in the kitchen and have to deal with the glass and then i'll have to make a decision about putting it in the dishwasher or just washing it by hand in the sink.  and i'm sure the dishwasher will be clean dishes, which will mean i'll have to put them all away, and that takes time, energy and effort and i'm too tired, i just want a stupid drink.  but if i don't put them away, i'll have to put the glass in the sink and that will make me crazy, sitting there...mocking me....dirty glass! dirty glass!....can't go in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to empty the clean dishes!  so i won't go get a drink for this reason. 

insane? right?  you can say it. i know it's crazy.  

oh well.  i can't think about it right now.  but i will later, i'm quite sure.