Too Soon? 

This is probably a very popular topic.  When we are married or in a relationship for a long period of time, it is easy to be used to the idea of being in a relationship, so singlehood is often difficult to get used to, hence the term "rebound".  It is easy to fall into the idea of being in a relationship if that is your routine, but the question remains about whether we, as broken woman (or men) are capable of being in a "real" relationship after the damage has been done.  We may not know what is too much too soon, because we may feel for the past however many years a kiss always ends the same way, or a conversation goes the same way.  Also, when coming from a very controlling relationship, like mine was, we may not know how we should be treated.  We may not know what it is to be treated with respect, dignity or compassion.

I understand all this.  I know that my brain is so used to having someone to be close to, someone to take care of and someone to take care of me, physically, emotionally, financially, ect.  I know that, given that it is another 6 months before my divorce is finalalized, and that often times I still cry about what has happened, I should not consider going into a relationship.  That being said...

My best friend who I have known since the 7th grade, who I actually went on my first "real" date with (he took me to see Ace Ventura Pet Detective!) is amazing.  Very easy going, and we love having fun.  We really have absolutely nothing in common, I am a parent, he is not.  I work a 9-5 job, he has several business ventures.  I smoke and like the occasional glass of wine, he doesn't.  He likes to excersize, I really don't.  I love TV, he doesn't.  I love video games, he doesn't.  I listen to death metal, he listens to old jazz.  And yet...

Over the past couple of weeks I have been getting text messages from him saying he misses seeing me as much because he has been so busy, things like "I will make time for you" and on and on.  And, while you would think this would make me want to shy away, it doesn't.  In fact, when I get these messages, I smile, and respond.  It honestly makes me happy, but when we are together, it is like a big pink elephant is living in our brains, and neither of us will come right out and say the obvious, which is the obvious (you all know).  I know why it won't be approached too, it's because of the "rebound" status.  It's because of the strong friendship and the bond we share from our childhood.  But, I prefer spending time with him when I can, and think about him often when I cannot.  Additionally, he makes time for me, and when we aren't together, I am thinking of him, and he is thinking of me.

So, what do I do?  I mean, I KNOW this is not the right time, but I don't want to lose my friend.  If I back off and stop just being myself, I am afraid I will lose my friend, but if I keep just being myself, I am afraid this will lead to something more sooner rather than later.  And I cannot hide being genuinely happy when I hear from him or see him, I just can't, but I also cannot stop hanging out with him and returning the text messages, because I need my friends in my life, especially now.

Am I overthinking this whole thing?  Am I scared for the sake of being scared because the other chapter is finally coming to a close?  Should I just keep going how it's going and let it work itself out?

Yesterday was certainly the point that made things beyond obvious, even to me, who has been ignoring the elephant for months now.  We went to a farm with my daughter, then to another farm, then to another farm, picked up random food on the way, went to a park, had an impromptu picnic, played with the kid, drove around aimlessly talking of the ways of the world, stopped and went trailblazing next to a beautiful river, and when we parted ways, it was only an hour before I got a text message saying how much fun he had with us and how he couldnt' wait for the next time, and I responded with "You and me both!".  Anyone seeing us together would have most certainly thought we were together, he takes charge with my kid, plays with her, talks to her, and it's just fun.

Oh, but I guess I could go on and on.  Trust me, I am not exactly looking for a relationship.  As I put it, I am still waiting for the ring-tan-line to fade (it's faded, but not emotionally).  By the same token, I can talk to him about what I am going through with the divorce and what my stresses are, he doesn't back off, he is there for me.

I could make two lists, and put all the reasons why it would be a good idea and a bad idea respectively, and I think the lists would be deadlocked, and hopelessly so.  So, here I am, asking for advice.  Is it ok for me to be thinking the things I am thinking?  Am I just so used to being in a relationship that my brain is tricking me into thinking it would be easier again?  Ugh.  This is hard.  Please don't hold back.  I really need some advice.