It's a Family Affair 

My family has been devastated by our pending divorce. Both my parents are in their late 60's and in frail health. I think the marriage gave them comfort that in their passing I would have my husband to help me with my children and to lean on. They also loved him like a son. My parents adored him more than they adored me. However, my STBX has burned bridges with my family through his lying, cheating and affair with an 18 girl. My 16 yo son (mine from a prior relationship) has had terrible anxiety issues stemming from STBX shenanigans which have required counseling and medical intervention and medication. My family has been torn apart. Meanwhile, however, I have managed to keep a good relationship with my STBX's mother and father. My STBX ordered me NOT to contact them or to have visits with our son without his permission. We speak behind his back as they are welcome in my home and in my baby's life. I just dont understand how/why these men dont get it. My teenager is so angry that he cant bear seeing STBX. The sad part is, if my STBX just said some kind word - something to the effect that he was sorry, validate my son's feelings, Im sure that a relationship could be rebuilt between them. That is, if he made the effort and tried. But, as ive come to learn, remorse for what he has done to us  is not something he is capable of.

I so relate to what all of you shared.  I am 48 now and met my ex when I was 20!  He had no relationship with his parents.  He hated his father because --- wait here comes the punch line ---- his father left his mom for another woman.  WOW!  And now - 32 years after his father did that to him - he did the same thing.  For some bizarre reason he doesn't quite understand why his oldest son (who is 23) will not have anything to do with him anymore.
I pushed my son to remain in contact with his dad.  Finally he said - Mom, back off!   I am 23.  I am tired of his lies.  I gave him too many chances and he blew it. 
My son has shown a wisdom in all this that my ex doesn't grasp.  Because he can't.  If he were to "get it" he would have to look at the whole picture.
It's just a sad thing.

I know what you are saying, when my husband pulled this stunt, and I filed for divorce, my family all grieved....It was like the loss of a Son, a brother, a uncle, a nephew, and even a cousin....My family took it terrible. After 30 years, he became one of us, and there were times I thik he was even more liked by my family members than I was.
He was never close to his family, his choice, and I even encouraged him for years to make contact more with them other than thanksgiving anf xmas....But he chose not to pursue it.
I wonder if he is feeling the loss like they did,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,who the hell knows, and I don't really care anymore

Terri

I think the men who leave us are ultimately very selfish people.  At least my stbx is.  He, too, does not see the damage in his wake.  Like Mb, one of our sons is not speaking to him.  Because our son is 18, my stbx thinks that he is an adult and that phone lines are a two way street, even though he has basically ignored our child since he left.  Our son even left for college this fall....there was no offer to help him move into the dorm, no offer of money (all of this is falling on my shoulders). The kicker is that that son of a gun is doting on our younger son who is eating it all up because he doesn't want to lose his dad.  One person's happiness in not worth more than the bigger picture.  Sometimes responsibility outways happiness...Don't we as mothers know that!

Yes, the impact trickles through the family. I haven't shared my impending divorce with my dad. He loves my husband and has expressed that many times in many ways. I talk with my mom and sister. My husband actually called my mom the other day because he didn't like the way I was sounding on the phone. (I was not happy about that - she is far away and does not need additional worry). It was good in a way because she did get to voice her opposition with the way he walked out on me but said the call was pleasant. One thing about my family I respect. They do take a look at all sides presented. They are honest and caring. They let me know if I'm a little off and do the same for my stbx. They've always been open with whomever I choose to be with and don't stick their nose in where it shouldn't be. I am fortunate. My stbx's "X" I am sure is very happy. His parents never did know how to deal with her and it seems they all suffice her any given whim of craziness. They are afraid of doing anything to upset the "X" because she will keep the grandkids away - same with my stbx. It really put a huge strain on our marriage so I don't think his parents are really too upset with losing me as a daughter-in-law. Wow - that's the 1st time I even referred to myself as that and it won't happen again. I am not looking forward to the day I actually look in my dad's face and tell him I am alone now. I remember one pleasant afternoon he was in town, stopped by and brought a book titled The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. He highly suggested I do my very best with my stbx because he really cares about him a lot. I did my best but my best wasn't good enough. I am not ready to see the sad puppy eyes in him yet. My stbx has always expressed he loves my family - every once in a while he would throw in, and I don't think it's so bad keeping in touch with my "X's" family. (would our marriage ever truly be about us or will I always be living in the "X"shadow...yuk...

i relate.  my ex still refuses, four years later, to see the massive damage he has caused to both of our families.  his mother and father are still suffering from it....his brother and sister in law eventually divorced...supposedly, big brother doing it after having children gave little brother reason to believe it was ok for him to do the same.

my parents have become daily caregivers to my kids because of the divorce.  there have been countless hours logged on discussing the divorce and what a loser ex and deadbeat dad he is. 

not to mention the legal bills.....the strain on my friends when i've forced them to listen to hours and hours of my complaints.

it's endless. domino effect. they are clueless.