Is kissing cheating? 

I kind of chuckled when I read "they have separate bedrooms" and he is separated but living under same roof. Is that not the oldest lie in the book of cheaters?. I am sorry

to be so mean but, I was the "wife" and we were divorced so I heard from the mistresse's.  If the guy is not divorced, he is married plain and simple. Living under the same roof means he is married and his wife does not know he is with

you. Period end. 

Honestly I don't, simply because he was pretty clear it was over......however I was curious what the rest of the world thought, because it has caused an amazing rift between me and one of my best friends.  I don't believe that the lines are ever clear, and that none of us knows what is really going on inside of someone's marriage, or in their own head for that matter.  I appreciate the thoughts, and I really like the point of the golden rule.  It's a good one.  Now if he was lying........well, then to me that's on him not me.  If I had to make every decision based on the potential of someone might be lying, I'd probably never be able to decide.  Just try voting this year!  I wasn't irritated, just wanted to clarify.  nameste!

It was not my intention to irritate you...I tried to bring up scenarios from your own experience to help you answer that question, "Is kissing cheating?"  As I said, you seemed conflicted...and you'll notice that I didn't say whether or not I thought it was cheating.  It happened to you, and you have to live with it, right or wrong.  My opinion (or anyone else's here, for that matter) doesn't really make a difference...only what you think matters to you.

Let me clarify a few things myself...I'm not passing judgment, but you asked...and it sounded like you were a bit conflicted...perhaps guilty wasn't quite the correct term.  But as to what he told you, let me tell you a story.  When I was young, dumb, and full of it, I met a young woman who was married with a kid.  She told me that she was separated in the same house, and that she couldn't afford to get a divorce, so she was just living there.  Since I was thinking with the wrong head, as young men often do (some older men too, for that matter), I bought this hook, line and sinker.  Nothing ever really happened between us, but one night we did go to a pool hall, and I did make out with her a bit.  A few days later, her husband confronts me about it...not knowing for sure if it was me, but he let me know, in no uncertain terms, that he didn't appreciate me making out with his wife.  That's when I realized she lied her ass off to me...she may have wanted a divorce, but he evidently didn't know a thing about it...and had I been more attentive, I probably should have seen this coming, but again...thinking with the wrong head.

I'm not proud of this, but I learned my lesson.  That's why I say, when in doubt (which it sounds like you were), go to the golden rule.  If you felt that, if the situation was reversed, that it wouldn't bother you to see your (at the time) stbx making out with another woman, then great!  Kissing isn't cheating!  If, on the other hand, it would have made you jealous, hurt, and angry, then yes, kissing's cheating.  The whole point is that anything in that moral gray area is going to depend greatly on your point of view, and your own morality.  That was the point of bringing up your situation...you say you and your ex discussed your dates...in how much detail?  Did you ever SEE him making out with other women?  Out of sight, out of mind is easier to justify...but seeing it in the flesh?  Would you really not have felt hurt?  (continued)

Just to clarify to some comments.  They have separate bedrooms etc. just not separate houses yet. I don't feel guilty.  For all I know it was what he needed to decide once and for all it's over or OMG, I don't want to be out here in the dating world, I must go figure this out.  And.......for the record, my ex and I did discuss our dating others.  Oh, and as far as if he were lying to me.........why wouldn't he have just taken off the ring and said he was single? It was a conference and we both were from out of town.  I wouldn't have been any wiser. But I was curious what this community thought..........thanks!

He could have been a big con like chey's ex and feeding you a line of BS...

Bottom line.....he's married so yes to me thats cheating...

The Golden Rule - the way to live life by.

It could be any of our husband or wives out there walking on the beach. I wanted to clarify I didn't literally mean it was my husband BUT if it was - I would be devastated.

On a personal level - I don't like putting myself in any situation that can compromise me and what I put value in.
I value marriage and really do believe in the Golden Rule.

Even during my single days I am careful around married men. I show respect to other wives because that is what I would expect from anyone. One never knows when something will develop out of a pure innocent friendship.

Well, let me ask you this...when you and your ex FIRST started having trouble, and nothing was decided...how would you have felt if you saw him walking on the beach and kissing another woman?  Even during your problems when you two dated other people...did you and he go on double dates?  I doubt it.  I also doubt you two discussed with eachother how your dates went...possible, but unlikely.  How do you think that would have made you felt?

If the answer to any of the above is "felt like shit," then it's cheating.  When in doubt, go to the golden rule...do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  I'm glad it didn't go further than it did...otherwise, you probably would have had a lot more guilt than you already do.

I would be devastated if that were my husband walking on the beach with you. My husband would visit his family without me because of his kids. They would go to the beach. At the time my husband and I were still loving but when I read your post - it could be mine. Who knows what a spouse will say in a moment like that. Whether what he is saying is true or not - he's still married.
Whether it's been a long time since you've had physical contact and it feels great still does not take away the fact he's married. There are a lot of single guys out there.
I really don't like judging but am thinking out loud writing to you.

Tough one, but I think a lot of married women would see this as at least an emotional affair, if not out-right cheating/adultery/infidelity - he is still married, hasn't started divorce proceedings, still living at home, has only 'emotionally checked out' (which some feel with a passion is strictly an excuse to be able to justify cheating/adultery/infidelity in any form).

I think it is a very, very thin line, and I think you were at least stepping right on the line. Going out, talking with him, having a drink with him...okay, I don't really think that's cheating/adultery/infidelity in my opinion, but unless he has actually started divorce proceedings, the kissing crossed the line, though at least you had the sense enough to not let it go any further than it did.

I've said "I love you" to my close male friends, and also have affectionate names for them, and I do give them hugs and even a kiss on the cheek, I go out to lunch with them, I go out to events with them (sometimes with my husband, sometimes without), but I don't cross any further than that, and my husband does not have a problem with this, where some other husband's would (and probably a lot of women will feel that I'm emotionally cheating all the time by doing such). These men are single and married a like, some have gone through troubled times, and others couldn't be happier - if my husband is uncomfortable with it, he tells me and we discuss it and go from there, modifying my behavior or what-not.

If you felt uncomfortable with it, then I think you crossed your own personal boundary as to what constitues as cheating, so I think you really answered your own question, really. I understand how it can happen, and all you can do is move on from it and learn from it, and if you felt you might have crossed the line, then next time you won't cross that specific line again.

Don't beat yourself up too hard about it, though. You stopped it from going any further, and that, I believe deserves some kudos.

Some people think sending e-mails to a good friend, who happens to be an unmarried woman, that say "I miss you" because you haven't seen each other in months, is cheating.

Some people think having lunch with a good friend, who happens to be an unmarried woman, in a restaurant with others present is cheating.

Some people think talking with a good friend, who happens to be an unmarried female, on the telephone is cheating.

Some people think communicating openly with, and confiding in, a good friend, who happens to be an unmarried female, is cheating.

Like my STBX.

Any clue as to part of the reason she's my STBX?

There is a line, and honestly I think kissing in a romantic but "G" rated way, is just barely over it. But I apply that standard to married people who haven't already started to break up.

If he really told the truth, I'd move that line just a bit and say what you did is OK. Probably because that's where I'm at. We've been separated in different locations for over a month, and I honestly think I pretty much "checked out" of the marriage several years ago, despite truly trying counseling, etc., towards the end. I think I knew in my heart it wouldn't work because of my STBX's attitudes.

So, I feel "divorced" because it's been so long, and there really wasn't anything left to let go of, except a whole bunch of $$$.

I feel no guilt, whatever I do with another woman, because I know, with 100% certainty, that whatever I do at this point will have absolutely nothing to do with us splitting up. I suppose there is a 0.01% chance or so that I will shortly lose my mind and take the STBX back again. But I'm not holding up my life based on those odds.

So, don't feel guilty. It's done whether or not he told the truth.

Yes.  It's cheating.  By-the-way, your post reminded me of something that happened when I was 16-17, but I won't get into that now.  Let's hope this guy's wife doesn't find out.