Is it always the cheater's fault? 

I don't think there are ANY gray areas to cheating. It's black and white as far as I am concerned Because if you marry someone and have a commitment, you make a vow to only be with each other. If there is a problem, it should be talked about before someone decides to find a person outside of that union to have an affair with. It not only leads to being unfaithful, but lying, giving less than what is owed to your partner and it basically breaks down the vows that you have promised to your partner. Yes, we are all human and nobody is perfect but shouldn't there be some courtesy for the  spouse to let them know that your needs are not being met?

Paula, well said. There's no excuse for cheating, no matter what. Cheating is a choice made by one person based on theri selfishness. Even if you're in a bad relationship, you can actually LEAVE FIRST and then seek out other companionship. Imagine that...

Yes, there are instances where there are underlying problems within the marriage that may make a person think that cheating is warranted. But that doesn't mean it is.

So, yes, the actual cheating part is the cheater's fault. There are no gray areas when it comes to that. When you are standing in front of a priest/preacher/pastor/justice of the peace, they do not say "til death do you part, except when your spouse gives you a reason to stray."

Marriage should be given every opportunity to work out. If a spouse feels egged on or pushed away, it should be worked out between the spouses, with or without counseling. Then, only after every effort has been exhausted, should the couple consider divorce. And only after the couple has agreed to separate and divorce, should either party consider seeing other people. Anyone who feels that cheating is OK should probably not consider themselves "marriage types". That's all I'm saying.

BTW, I don't think anyone here is judging anyone else. There are folks on this site who have very strong feelings about adultery, because they know the hurt that it causes.

when i wasn't meeting my wife's needs in any way, and refused to communicate with her about it or even admit it to myself, that was enough for her to give in to the temptation of somebody who was paying a lot of attention to her.  I totally understand that and have no bad feelings about it at all.

I don't know any details and didn't ask, but frankly, if she was capabale of supporting herself she would simply have left, we were hardly even married.  it's better now than then, but if her behavior is still not the greatest, it is me not meeting her needs.  still.

unless someone is holding the proverbial gun to your head. if you cheat.  it's your fault.

I hear what people say about two in a marriage and the cheater cheats because there was a problem.

But I know for a fact the innocent party can be set up to look like it's their fault their spouse cheated. It absolves the cheater from feeling guilty. They think if their spouse had done this or that they wouldn't have cheated. So it becomes the other spouses fault.

But like aimless and blue cheating is never acceptable for any reason. Made up or real.

In my case he picked me to marry because I could handle things and not fall apart and I also think he picked a body type. I married for love and committment. He married to play out the fantasy or game he had running in his head. There is no thrill to cheating unless you have someone to cheat on. It's not cheating unless you are in a committment. So at the time he needed me or anyone in his life. I just happened to be in his path.

I can honestly say in the last ten years he gave me plenty of reasons to cheat. I don't cheat.

I think it depends on the situation.  In my case, I will accept partial responsibility for the cheating.  ONLY because I was not invested in the marriage. 

His reasoning for cheating on me is stupid because he refused to communicate with me.  However, I know I was also not communicating so I will accept partial fault. 

I will always accept partial fault when it comes to the breakdown of my marriage, even though we got married for the wrong reasons, we could have worked on it and made it work.  When we were together we did get along, when we took the time for one another, we did agree on matters pertaining to life. 

But my case is not the same as others.

yet she still chose at this point to LIE to me and CHEAT on me while she was still trying to work on the marriage.  This one, I do NOT forgive.  This is why we're getting a divorce.  She made a conscious decision and effort to be unfaithful.  She broke her vows.

So, that is my take from someone who has lived it...not just speculating what went on "behind closed doors."  She had a choice and she made the wrong one.  Period.  And I am VERY comfortable judging her...she's a lying, cheating, manipulative  bitch.  End of story.

Ummm...yes...it's the cheater's fault...always.  The only exceptions I can think of?  Drink spiked with GHB.  Rape.  An understanding of an "open" marriage, and then reneged after it happend.  I call those exceptions, but really, none of them constitute "cheating," do they?

Don't get me wrong, cheaters, I believe, cheat because they are missing something in the marriage and are getting their needs met elsewhere.  Whether that be sexual, emotional, or intellectual, they are actively seeking it elsewhere.  While there may be problems that the other person is an active part of (i.e. denying sex, verbally abusive, grown apart, etc.), it is incumbent on the person to communicate with the other partner BEFORE going out and cheating.  So, while I agree with you that the other party isn't always blameless in the problems that lead up to the affair, it is the responsibility of the aggrieved party to make every attempt to communicate their unhappiness to the other party FIRST!!!

Having been cheated on, I will say that I know why she had the first affair.  Yes, I neglected her physical and emotional needs, and I understood why she did it, so I did forgive her for it.  But, she should have either tried to work on the marriage first or filed for divorce...she chose instead to a) put an ad out on a website actively looking for another man, b) answered ads from prospective men, c) talked at length with said men, d) narrowed down her selection and met with men she was compatible with, and e) fucked them.  This wasn't just an opportunitistic situation, this was premeditated.  She CHOSE to cheat on me.  Nobody put a gun to her head, nobody forced her, it is her FAULT.  Period.

Now, the second affair?  I was trying to work out our problems, the ones she brought to my attention, but she still chose, while we were in marriage counseling and promised me that she wouldn't see other men until she had made the decision to divorce (continued)

Here is my take:

Cheating is a choice, therefore, there is no "fault" or "no fault". If someone chooses to cheat, it is their "fault" for their conscious choice on cheating.

Could there be mitigating circumstances that left someone with the choice to cheat (i.e., 'pushed to the edge' or basically 'dared')? Sure, but that does not, in any way, lead to any sort of "fault" or "blame" on the other party.

I don't totally understand this "fault" and "blame" when it comes to cheating. It's a choice plain and simple, no matter what circumstances might have led to that horrible choice.

I guess I say that because I cheated and I cannot and will not say that my husband had any "fault" in my choice to cheat. Were there other circumstances around it that I chose to deal with this way instead of simply leaving my marriage 1st? Sure, but I can't say that he's to blame for my cheating - I am the only one to blame for that.

Was there a problem before my cheating? Yes. Did he want to take responsibility for his part in that? No. However, that does not give me ANY right to "blame" or lay any "fault" on him because it was my choice. If there was any "fault" to lay on him, it was in regards to the other problems we had (and I also have my own fault in some of those too) that he refused to admit to or work on.

A cheater is at fault, plain and simple, though the circumstances behind/before the cheating might have some blame or fault shifted to the other person. Not always, but might, and that certainly does not make the cheating any less wrong in any way.