How Do You Know It's Time To Separate?  

I think you know when you have enough.  You have to be ready.  If it is that bad what makes you think it will get better.  There is no right or wrong answer to this questions only you will know when you are ready.

ok Im stumped too... i've managed the bills and he did the spending. i've asked for 4 years for financial help. took away checkbook, signed us up for classes, etc.. with no participation. Now we are possibly losing our house... he also has a difficult time empathizeing with anything that I say.... so i say i'm ready to divorce...hes ready to work on it and fix everything????... is this normal...Will this really be the wake up call he needs?

I have been struggling with the same thought for quite some time. This has helped me so much. Thank You

How do you know that it is time to seperate?   I wish I could answer that question.  I have been married for almost 11  years, with two kids and two mortgages :)  Five years ago we had a major fight, and he came to my work, sat me down and said he wanted a divorse, to figure it out.  A few weeks later he acted like nothing happened, and it has been hot and cold like this since.  Since then I went back to school and finished my degree, knowing that someday it will give me my freedom.  But I am still scared...scared that I won't make it on my own.  Two weeks ago we had another blow up, and he screamed at me, both verbally and with every bone in his body, that he hates me.  I could see it in his eyes.  He did this infrount of our 9 year old son.   The next day he acts like nothing happened.  I called him on it, he said he didin't mean it, but since then he hasn't touched me, kissed me, hugged me, nothing since then.  So his actions are telling me that he told the truth.  So now I am at the cross roads, is it finally time to seperate?

I am not sure what is going on with me.  Just last week a realization hit me all at once.  I am numb.  I have very little emotion toward my husband.  This time last year we had one of our big fights.  He said he would help me pack and move out after I told him I wanted a divorce and that I didn't love him as a husband anymore.  But, the catch was, I leave everything including the kids.  He was okay seeing me go as long as I left his three little girls.  Hell no I am not leaving them behind, so I stuck it out.  We had two more episodes over the next year, each getting worse. But, it is weird.  I have been with this man since I was 15, I am now 28.  It is like I am plucking the pedals from a daisy...he loves me, he loves me not,  He is hot and he is cold.  But, I have become numb.  I moved out of state with my three children.  I got a good job.  My parents are supporting me until our house sells.  My husband and I agreed that this would be a good time to separate and think about things until he gets down here.  After being here a month, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him.  And, all that keeps running through my head is his fists waving in my face before I left and how a year ago he was more than willing to just let me walk out.  Now he is becoming righteous on me, saying God has made him the warrior of our marriage and he will not let me go.  Yeah, okay, we are both chrisitans, I really don't believe in divorce, but I also don't want my three beautiful little girls to believe that a relationship like this is normal or healthy.  I don't know what normal is.  I don't know anything else.  Can someone tell me what is normal?  How are you supposed to feel when you are with the man you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with?  Because the bad memories are starting to take over the good memories for me also.  I can look at my wedding pictures and recongnize my husband, but not me.  It was a girl I don't remember.  I have lost myself.

How do you know when its time to separate? Someone said once - when the bad memories wipe out the good memories -and i like that. When you look across at them and you can't think of anything good; when you don't want to be in the same room - or being in the same room causes tension; when you avoid sleeping together; when you leave the room to get changed because him looking at you creeps you out; making excuses to not spend time together because you know it will end in an argument.

 

I was married before for 12 years (3 kids) -got married again 6 years ago to what i thought was a wonderful man. Didn't want to get married again....we've been together for 9 years -but he has said i wanted to - i didn't.

 

Short version - i had kids from a previous marriage - he has never had kids. My ex's parents were very involved in their grandkids lives - my husband's parents - not so much. This has been a constant issue with us - that the kids treat their grandparents different than his parents. True - their 'real' grandparents have been there for them their whole lives - his parents have had opportunities to be there - and they choose not to by using the excuse - they are rude to them.

 

It has been a constant struggle with him and his parents. His mother had emotional issues when he was a boy - and whenever we have a fight - his mother says to him - does she need to get help? I can't lose my temper or im nuts - i can't questions things or im losing it. Ok -so im irish - i do have a temper but my previous marriage was very abusive - and my husband knows this.

 

The crap part is -there was a time i truly felt loved and in love. I haven't felt that for a long time. We fight over the kids and money and the house - and our jobs -you name it. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what the kids do or don't do isn't good enough for him. It is a constant struggle for me because i feel like im caught in the middle.

 

Knowing whether to separate or not...because i've been through this before - i kno

i am just recently seperated....does it get easier?lol she blames me for it all she never wanted to work never better herself as far as career ( was just content) her parents lived thast way so she did not know any better she never wanted to better herself physically i have lived by if u wabt spice keep the other chasing u make ur spouse still want you our sex life was vanilla 13 years of this i also met her with 2 little girls and then we had one together i adopted the girls i felt like they deserved stability i looked at them as my own we moved because of the economy from il to ak for three months she did not look for a job i got a good job within 1 week being here she did not want to depend on a ride from people to and back from work i did understand this but when u have three kids its all about sacrifice and she did not want to do that ...so we borrowed and borrowed fell into debt and i grew tierd of this ...she also states that me going to the gym 5 days a week that i put that in front of everything yes i was dedicated but wanted to better myself it helped with stress ..i dont drink nor use drugs never went out just worked and worked out my children and i have a good relationship i love them dearly but my life and how we were living i did not want them to see that it was good to struggle all the time and i was tired of the struggle to she harasses me now blames it all on me i have thick skin i just want it to end now she is home after complaining everyday except the last week we were here and now she wants to come back and she is willing to fly bak with nothing and live in a shelter with the kids instead of getting her shit together there i do not want my kids to go through that sorry this is so long and boring but i had to vent lol also she cheated on me three months in the marriage and so i was infaithful also to me its no way i could ever go back to that any advice im 36 yrs old

i am just recently seperated....does it get easier?lol she blames me for it all she never wanted to work never better herself as far as career ( was just content) her parents lived thast way so she did not know any better she never wanted to better herself physically i have lived by if u wabt spice keep the other chasing u make ur spouse still want you our sex life was vanilla 13 years of this i also met her with 2 little girls and then we had one together i adopted the girls i felt like they deserved stability i looked at them as my own we moved because of the economy from il to ak for three months she did not look for a job i got a good job within 1 week being here she did not want to depend on a ride from people to and back from work i did understand this but when u have three kids its all about sacrifice and she did not want to do that ...so we borrowed and borrowed fell into debt and i grew tierd of this ...she also states that me going to the gym 5 days a week that i put that in front of everything yes i was dedicated but wanted to better myself it helped with stress ..i dont drink nor use drugs never went out just worked and worked out my children and i have a good relationship i love them dearly but my life and how we were living i did not want them to see that it was good to struggle all the time and i was tired of the struggle to she harasses me now blames it all on me i have thick skin i just want it to end now she is home after complaining everyday except the last week we were here and now she wants to come back and she is willing to fly bak with nothing and live in a shelter with the kids instead of getting her shit together there i do not want my kids to go through that sorry this is so long and boring but i had to vent lol also she cheated on me three months in the marriage and so i was infaithful also to me its no way i could ever go back to that any advice im 36 yrs old

I knew it was time to seperate after she busted my lip open for the countless time and left bruises on me again. I knew... but i didn't do it, she finaly walked out. Life happens weather we do it or not. Weather we know it or not.

I really don't know what to do I am 22 I have been married for 4 years we just had our anniversary, and we have a 2year old son. We have been together since I was 13. I have talk to him about what’s bothering me and how I would like for us to fix it and how I hate that we fight all the time. He really takes me for granted and acts like our son is such a burden we have nothing in common except that we like movies and have the same friends. My husband is military and we are stationed far away from home and he wants to stay here for 5 more years. I know that if I leave him that my whole world back home would fall apart I would loose everything my friends and my family dose not believe in divorce; I have very limited collage education thanks to the fact that we move constantly. I don't find him attractive anymore I think that’s because it’s hard to be loving with someone you’re always fighting with. When it comes to sex it’s only at his convenience and he only shows me attention when he is wanting sex. I know he looks at porn alot and points out my flaws then tells me later that he doesn’t care and that I am sexy. He won't spend time with our son unless I yell and push the subject to no end. When I have to go do earns and Leave our son with him I know me mostly leaves our 2 year old in the living room with his toys and a movie on so he can play on the computer or play guitar.....he says he is teaching our son not to be clingy. After I first threatened him with divorce he started getting better and things were going well then I went back to the states for a visit with our son and when I got back he just did not know how to interact with us and he was trying to be attentive for about 2 weeks and then things stared going back down hill and we are back to fighting and I just don't know what to do anymore...I DO LOVE HIM I ALWAYS HAVE. I don't want a divorce if I can help it but as a friend of mine told me I only have one life to live I should not have to spend it being miserable.

I've been reading these comments...and of course anything is about perception versus reality.  But if you've been imagining for some time that it's going to somehow going to get better, my question is how is that perception working out for you?  I for one decided I wanted my perception and reality to be somewhat in the same ballpark.

The bad memories have outweighed the good memories for years, and I still haven't gotten the nerve to pull the plug. It's fear, pure and simple. My hopefully stbxh is intimidating and prone to flying off the handle about even the smallest things. This would provoke such a firestorm I can't bring myself to setting the wheels in motion. It's also fear of the unknown, and reluctance to hurt him. But  I wish I could get up the courage, because I know it's the right thing to do. I used to wait until he was asleep to go to bed, but then he put up such a fuss about it I had to stop doing that. I can totally relate to the people who talked about nearly falling off the bed! He seems to find a way to get what he wants, though, irrespective of what I want. My kids are older now (the youngest is 17), and I'd like to be able to look forward to the future rather than dread it, which I do now. I wish I knew how to get the guts to get this process going.

Who was it that posted the marriage fitness.com reply? I've been reading some of his stuff and a lot of it makes sense. Unfortunately, it doesn't tell you how you can make it make sense to the one that is divorcing you. If it is author himself posting this, then maybe he could shed some light on the subject without having to make it a financial thing.

This is something you cannot rationalize.You will know when to separate when you have enough pain. When it is time, you will know it.

I have read many of the posts and I'm still having trouble deciding if it's time to separate.  I'm not sure if it's fear or it's just my nature.  I love my wife and to some extent I will always love her.  We don't have the perfect relationship, far from it.  We have three beautiful boys.  I'm just not sure if we need to separate.  The problem that my wife and I have is that we are not intimate with each other.  There have been some problems in our past, revolving around pornography, self worth and infidelity.  I have been responsible for being addicted to porn.  My wife has been dealing with issues of self worth every since she was a child and last year she was involved in an affair.  So one year later, I have kicked pornography out of my life and the affair is a distant memory.  So our problem now stems from us not being intimate with each other.  We don't kiss, our marriage is sexless, but I am still in love with my wife.  So now we are thinking of separating/divorcing.  We have gone through this scenario every year for ten years.  It comes to a point where there is discontent in our lives, it subsides, we continue living and we continue the cycle.  My problem is that it seems like I'm less discontent than my wife.  Is there a problem with me?  Hopefully we can figure this all out.

Perception vs. reality. How do you tell the difference? My perception is that my wife is unreasonable, ungrateful, & self rightous, but I know she has certain similar feelings towards me. Who's right? I have asked her what she would like for us to get along. Her answer: "To be treated like a princess". Well, that's hard to define isn't it? The negative aspect is that she never asks what I'd like or need. I feel like I'm living on a one way street. Is it just me?

Thank you for your post and everybody to follow.  You think when you work in divorce it  would be easier but actually its not.  My husband has become abusive it has gone from  verbally to physically.  My insides have frozen up and I don't see them thawing at any time in the future.  Last night I saw my life before my eyes and I am fearful for leaving but I realize if I don't leave I may end up like all of those wives who don't make it out. Thank you for helping me realize someone else took the next step and they are okay too.

I cannot sleep, cant focus through the day, I dont know what to do. About three months ago, I accidently came upon the notification that there was question of paternity of my husband of two years. He was forced to reveal to me that while we were engaged and instructed by the priest to refrain from premarital sex, he had a one night stand with a women while he was drilling in the national guard. I was shocked and could not believe that he could go through with marrying me and allow me to believe that he was faithful to me, like I was to him. After all, we both had been married in the past and went through the steps to annul our previous marriage and for the first time, whe both wanted to do this right.. have our vows shared in our church. For about a month I could not get out of my mind, what was I possibly doing at the time I believed my fiancee to be away performing his duties, but actually he was with a stranger, that could have possibly had a disease that could have endangered by life. He begged for forgiveness and went to confession and who am I to judge him...I talked to my priest also, that convinced me that I need to work on forgiving him, and that it was not in my place to judge him........ I think back to sharing our vows, and at that very time, he was aware of his actions, however I on the other hand was oblivious to what had occured. Fast forward to today, the child is 1 years old and since he has gone taken a parternity test, which resulted in him fathering the child of his one night stand. Two more months later, the mother of the child resently lost custody of the child due to her going to a mental hospital and leaving the child unattended. He resently had to travel to the state where they reside concerning possibly getting custody of the child due to the mother lossing parental custody, in being charged with neglect. This occured in one day. He came back home last night, my emotions are exhausted, I thought this guy was my night in shining ar

If you're still interested in trying to save your marriage and you want to give it another shot then there are these great articles that can help... www.MarriageFitness1.com Good luck!

kmoy, we should start our own club. while I  am currently separated from my husband, I too have been wanting to have a child with him for the longest time. He tells me that he is not sure that he wants to have children at all and he just expects me to accept it. He keeps making decisions without including me and just assumes that i will be fine with them and gets angry when I don't. I too am afraid of filing for divorce even though everyday it seems more and more clear that that is the step that I should take. I told him that after everything that he has put me through that he should be man enough to file the papers and pay for everything. I know that it would be better if I do it myself, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I think that the time has come for me to take the next step. The bad memories are beginning to wipe away the good ones. Today once again he proved to me that he will not be there for me when i need him the most and as I sat here trying to think of reasons and good memories of why I should try to work it out. I can't think of a single one. The time has come :(

Your father sounds like a very wise man, i love his advice, makes me miss my dad. That thought will run through my head all day.  However, 2much42long, you just made a statement that never dawned on me. That you would go to bed late hoping to avoid her. Paul came to bed late right from the start of our marriage which I though was a bit odd, but it didn't seem that he didn't want sex, he was always charged to go in the morning. He always told me in the early stage of our marriage that he had to study, which made sense except in the summer when he wasn't in school. And then when he was teaching it was so he could work on his lesson plans. Never mind, it can't be the same situtation because he was always after me. I just wonder if he wasn't online looking because he wants this divorce not me. Guess I will never know. Can't ask him, he won't answer, just throw a fit and blame me for everything.

I am dealing with this same question. Doubting myself in everything I do. He cheated on twice now that I know of. Both times i have looked the other way. He doesnt even know I know. both relationships are over. Our marriage has hit rock bottom and I am still the one trying to make it work. I still want to have kids with him. He recently told his family he doesnt. He wont tell me this. He continues to not talk to me unless he has to because he needs something. His attitude is a little better. He continues to want to sleep with me but doesnt want kids and tells his family that he is waiting for me to file for divorce. I told him years ago i dont want one. I love him still and willing to work at making it work. I told him i will not file because it was not what I want but at the same time if he is so unhappy and the only thing that will make him happy is a divorce then he needs to do it. I wont fight him but i wont be the one to file and do the leg work. I feel this is fair. His problem is he cant let go of the past. He cant see that our problems began with my absence from the marriage due to his dream of entering the realestate profession. In his eyes, i left him and our marriage. I accept his accusations knowing they arent true. I accept his infidelity and still hope for a future. I wonder if I will ever have the strength to be the one to leave. I wonder if I will ever stop blaming myself. How do u know if it really is your time to leave or jumping the gun on emotions? I ask myself and tell myself to think for myself and only about myself. I want a child and to be honest still want one with him. I followed him down to Chicago since April and havent found a job yet but still hoping he will want to have a baby with me. Am I chasing a ghost? I cant tell you when u should leave because i cant tell myself. I only know that u will know when the time is right. I continue to fight for my non-existing marriage and a ghost of a family. Stupid?....Maybe........

i recently filed for divorce after my husband of 7 years told me to pack my things and leave, that he would not have a sorry woman hanging around his house who would not meet his physical needs or couldn't bring income into the house after being unemployed for only 2 months, though I've worked throughout our marriage. sex was okay but he complained that i never initated it. hell, he was never home and it was all about meeting his needs. not to mention, it was hard to be intimate with someone who only included you in their life when it was that time. my husband always had lots of female friends and i've even confronted one of the women by phone...who he called in the early am hours or whenever i left town. we were both verball and physically abusive to each other. he was very controlling and manipulative and never made me feel like a prioritiy. i had so much anger, bitterness and resentment inside that i often wanted to run away. we also have two young kids. i never really got much support when they were younger plus...he never supported me during my pregnancies. after giving me the silent treatment for the very last time...he came home late really night and asked me for sex. i'd really had enough of his abuse and did not have anything to give. that's when he told me (expletives used) to leave. the story could really be much longer. i'm in another state now and he hasn't said anything to me since then other than I am not his wife, he'd be moving on, and good luck. i was always the one trying to get to counseling and fighting to make my marriage work. but i finally filed after realizing that i can't force anyone to love me. i am scared as hell and the thought of it hurts. But i can't continue to be subjected to this type of bondange...nor do my kids deserve it. if he told me to leave now...why would i expect him to be around later when i am older or ill and need him even more.

Hello, lets see where I should start.   I am married, MY wife doesn't love me.  We have been together for 18 months physically.  She is hiding money.  I feel I am being used for my paycheck.  I don't yell or even fight with her.  I am treated as a room mate.  we have 2 wonderful children 15 and 10.  I am here because of them  I have given her 23 years of my life and I would hope that would be worth at least her being honest about what she wants.  I want her to be happy.  She is a great person.  We met in high school.  I know that has to be hard for her, for me too.  I feel like I am eing used.  Each and every day I feel I am being used and i grow resentful.   I have never quit on anything in my life but I am close.   Very close.   She is a counselor so going to a therapist has been pointless.  It turns into Hes wrong for an hour a week.   Can i fix this or is it time to move on.?????

Your father sounds like a smart man. I have been wondering lately if it is to late for me and my husband. It hasn't gotten to that point yet. For almost 5 years now I have been telling my husband when the kids leave if I don't have a reason to stay I may leave too. I also told him to not be surprised if one day his key does not work in the door when he comes back from a trip (he is a truck driver). A year ago I made him go to counceling with me because one of our boys was having problems at school. The councelor asked my husband directly, "When the glue is gone what is going to keep your marriage together? You leave everything to your wife!" He looked me straight in the eyes and told me he now understood what I had been saying. Wow! I said it more clearly yet our councelor gets the credit for bringing it up. I will give him credit......he has made more of an effort the last 3 months than he has in the last 5 years. I am actually starting to feel like half of a unit rather than the brain of the beast. Thanks for your insight.