Getting Through the Firsts 

For a sentimental fool like me, getting through the firsts was tough; the first post split anniversary, birthday, New Years and that first Valentine's Day. You know, that silliest of holidays that still has the power to put fear into all singles, the one that's coming up in a couple of weeks
 
should say right off the bat that I have some big issues with Valentine's Day dating back to 2nd grade. See, in 2nd grade, I had strep throat on Valentine's Day. Ditto, 3rd grade, ditto 4th. You get the idea, I was always sick on Valentine's Day. I would work hard for weeks cutting red paper hearts and white doilies to glue on top, and then I would be too sick to go to school.

When I got older, my Valentine's Day illness took a new twist; the Valentine's Day break up. One year it was the guy who called me stupid for not backing up my thesis, which was due the next day, and I was having a power outage. Bye, bye. Another year, another boyfriend, it was another stupid fight about who knows what at this point.

I started boycotting Valentine's Day, which was not much of a problem with my ex since he could never celebrate a holiday on time, anyway. I would get birthday presents six months late, he was always too busy with his dissertation to buy or plan anything. Or so went the excuse.

My first post separation Valentine's Day was about 8 weeks after we officially separated. Determined to break what I had started to call the VD curse, and more determined NOT to be alone, I had found me a boyfriend, a hot little dress and a babysitter. Sure, I was already done with the boyfriend who was, at the end of the day, another broke and narcissistic graduate student. Sure the thong underwear was super uncomfortable. Sure I felt like a zombie just barely managing to get through the day. But I wasn’t alone on Valentine’s Day, and that was the important thing in my addled mind. As you can well imagine, things deteriorated from there, ending in a drunk, crying, angry me telling him I loved him and then, you guessed it, breaking up with him.

Since then, I have spent many Valentine’s Days not in a relationship. Some of the best have been spent with my daughter, making heart shaped things. I had a few that were bitter sweet, spent with friends but longing for something more. And a few were kind of miserable, spent wondering if I would ever be in love again. I remember one really bad year when I got an email from a guy that I knew, not particularly well, telling me that he wanted me to know that someone was thinking about me on Valentine’s Day. It was nice. I ended up sleeping with him not long after that. That wasn’t so nice. I should have left well enough alone.

There is no one strategy for getting through the firsts, no one strategy for getting through the anniversaries. Sometimes just going with the pain and reminding yourself that next year it won’t feel so raw is a help. Sometimes it is surrounding yourself with people who love you, truly love you, not some placebo boyfriend or girlfriend character that is just filling up space, and remembering that love comes in all shapes and forms. Sometimes it is exercising until you are too exhausted to be depressed. I found that skiing on New Years Eve day was a great way to not care whether someone was there to kiss me at midnight. Yoga marathons on Thanksgiving weekends (the weekend I got married) still come in handy for me to this day. I chant and breathe and smile, and acknowledge that I am full of mixed emotions. Because even if you are the one that wanted it to end or the one that knows you are better off that it did end, it is still difficult.

So here’s to the singles, the coupled and the married on Valentine’s Day. But especially here’s to the ones with the VD curse. And just remember, whatever you end up doing this Valentine’s Day, it won’t be anywhere near as humiliating as my first post divorce Valentine’s Day.  Hopefully someone will find comfort in that. I know that I still do!