How do Children Cope with Divorce?  

So just how do children cope with divorce?  Well from what I've seen, they do so mostly inside of themselves, and when it comes out it comes out at interesting times. 
They often do their initial, say it isn't so, crying or denial routine.  But then all of a sudden it seems like they are okay with it. 

There is some novelty of getting to have two bedrooms and going to live in two houses.  On the outside it might seem like all is well.  They might even willingly travel between two houses.  They might kiss Mom goodbye and greet Dad with a great big hug.  Inside however, there is a lot more going on. 

Inside they are coping with some HUGE feelings.  They are coping with living with the guilt of what they feel they might have done to contribute.  They are coping with leaving one parent alone.  They are often caught in between a grown up battlefield, sometimes feeling like they are supposed to take sides.  When they are with Mom, Dad might seem like the bad guy.  They might even come to believe it.  Then they go to Dad's, and Dad doesn't seem like such a bad guy.  In fact, it may even seem like Mom wasn't so great in this after all. 

They very rarely let on to all of the turmoil that is inside.  In fact, you may have no idea.  But inside they are wrestling with a constant battle.  They also may be battling missing their things.  That special purple pen might be just what would make this homework assignment complete, but of course it is at their other house. 

They are quite unlikely to talk to you about it, because they don't want to make you feel bad.  So instead, they might blurt something out to a teacher, neighbor, or grandparent.  Or, if you are fortunate enough to have a copy of We're Having A Tuesday, my children's book on the subject, there is a section at the end that really helps drive a conversation. 

I can't tell you how many people have told me that they had no idea that all of this inner turmoil was going on until they read this book with their kids.  Of course, it may be as simple as we are going through our own inner turmoil about being recently divorced.  So maybe we just don't see it.....In any case, just because their grades haven't dropped and their not moping around in their room, doesn't mean that they are coping just fine.  Talk to them.  Ask their teachers and your family and friends.  You may find out otherwise.