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I want a new start... I think.

My wife and I have known one another for over 10 years. We met when we were very young - not even 21 yet. Over the last 10+ years, we've changed so much. I often think that we're just not the same people we were back then, and that's maybe why we've grown apart.

She was always a touch religious, but since about 2001 or 2002, it's just gotten steadily overboard. Now we're going to Catholic mass several times a week, and the Latin service no less... Sunday takes about 3 hours from start to finish. It's painful. I was an atheist for the majority of my adult life, but attend mass anyway. We have crosses in every room; she plays Catholic radio, music, endlessly; we pray before and after everything. I can't stand it anymore.

The physical contact between us is still there, sometimes, but mundane, routine. She won't shake things up, everything I suggest is "against the Church".

We have a son together, who is disabled. We both love him very much. I think he's the only reason I've stayed this long; I wonder what will happen to him if I go.

She fights with me, a lot. Picks fights, over anything. It's like an episode of Seinfeld every day, but instead of laughing at the littlest things, she fights about them. She's prone to mood swings, especially around "that time of the month". Now, don't get me wrong - all women are - but hers are borderline pathological.

I'm confused and not sure what to do next. I relish freedom. The thought of getting out of this mess of a broken relationship with her and moving on with my life - while I'm still relatively young and can start over again - tugs at my mind daily. I just don't know what to do, how to go about it. When will I get to see my son? How much of my hard-earned money will she be "entitled" to? If I move out of state, how does that affect the child custody?

Any comments or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone.

by Jonas 9 Posts

Posted on 12/2/2007 11:15 PM

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Comments for "I want a new start... I think. " (6) (You must be logged in to answer)

Are there ways to make things more acceptable for you, while still staying in the marriage? The divorce process is a drag if you can avoid it.

I feel like, no matter how much two people intertwine themselves, there's a point at which we're still individuals, and spirituality is certainly one of those.

I know what you're saying about growing apart, but maybe it's also about feeling that you're making all the sacrifices? Perhaps not attending mass every time she goes could be a good place to start? Or coming to terms on where prayer stations will be and when religious radio will be played when you're at home?

It's easy to subjugate what we need for our children/the good of the marriage, but both partners have to, in order for it not to feel too much like a personal sacrifice.

On the other hand...if she's simply not willing to accommodate any of your wishes/requires her husband to shares her beliefs to the degree that she does and won't budge at all, at least you'll know better where you stand, and what you might consider doing/not doing next.

One other thing: you don't think that she's feeling like you do, and what you're experiencing is a result of that?

by Natalie 729 Posts
Posted on 8/13/2009 2:31 PM

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I think we all feel like this at sometime in our marriages. Its the ups and downs. You have to bring it up believe me. I didn't and now we are seperated on our way to a divorce. If I said something maybe we would still be here where we are today but when I think how I just marched along not doing anything it angers and frustrated me now because who knows that could have changed everything.

by stperry 127 Posts
Posted on 8/13/2009 1:52 PM

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For dylan: Sounds like we're in the same boat. I'm at the right age to jump ship and search for something on the horizon, but scared about what would happen to our disabled son, and scared of being lonely, ultimately. Hell of a way to sustain a marriage, huh?

by Jonas 9 Posts
Posted on 12/6/2007 9:00 PM

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For Robert Boyd: Please understand. I not only go every week, but I attend holy days of obligation as well. We're at church - Latin mass, remind you - once, if not several times /every week/. We've done counseling, but of course she'll only go to counseling with a priest... which gets us no where, since most of the problems I have with the relationship start there. As for my religious beliefs, as much as I want to believe that there is a God, I was always taught to prove what you say. I still personally cannot prove that God, or a Heaven, or any of it exists. If someone were to bring a feather from an angel or some other form of empirical evidence and present it to me, then maybe I'd have a foundation to start believing in the whole thing. As it stands, attending church for me is something I do to keep the family together, not something I do for myself.

by Jonas 9 Posts
Posted on 12/6/2007 8:59 PM

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Have you tried counseling? It sounds like there's a lot of miss communication between you building that distance. Have you told her about the church thing? Maybe just going with her once a week might still show you care, but allow you time to do the things that are important to you. I know what it's like to change in a relationship, we all do, but somewhere inside I think you'll find she's still the woman you fell in love with. You just need a way to work through your differences. If you're no longer an atheist, may I recommend prayer? It's a start.

by Robert-Boyd 5134 Posts
Posted on 12/3/2007 7:03 PM

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I totally understand. I'm still married and probably shouldn't be. I feel the same way about being unhappy and thinking baout the possibilities if I were free. But I can't imagine what would happen or even think about all that I would have to do and change in my life.

by dylan 63 Posts
Posted on 12/3/2007 11:10 AM

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