Being alone on Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day... 

We did a separation agreement in july of 2007.  we are not divorced as of yet but he has filed.  shouldn't be too long now.  i don't want this.  he left me, kicked me out and took everthing away from me...

last christmas i was so depressed that i slept thru the whole day not even caring bc i couldn't get out of bed.  that's all i did for months after he left me.  kept myself locked in the apt for days at a time..never leaving and just sleeping...

but, a year later, alot has changed for the better...my mental health situation is better than it was then, althoough due to my ex and his torturing of me or leading me on lately, i have been pushed back to the beginning almost..the second time hurt more than the first i think..

anyhow, we agreed to split her christmas vacation...one gets her from the day she gets out of school until 5 pm on x-mas day and the other has her from 5 pm until she goes back to school.  same thing for thanksgiving too, except i got her the whole time bc we went to see my family..

so of course he has the first part of x-mas break this year..which means that I will be alone on christmas eve and christmas day...I don't have anyone here in this city and my family is clear across the country.  all i had was him, and his family and what i thought were my friends.  until he left, and they all went w him, just like that everyone was gone...and i realized i made no friends on my own the whole time i was here..i just followed him aroind.

so how do i get thru those two days this year?  i have not moved on yet and he has, well kinda...so i have a feeling i will isolate as usual and stay in and sulk in misery and pain....and i hate that bc it puts me in a very bad and dark and scary place... and i am afraid to go back there again....i just want to be w my daughter on christmas eve....

so sad