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Living Arrangements 

Making the decision to seperate is brutal but the practical application of it may be even worse, it seems.
As he drove away from our house, I was consumed with worry for him, he seemed like a lost child and I knew he had no where to go.

I would obviously stay in our home. With the children. I assumed that was the natural thing to do and proceeded with that plan immediately.

The first few nights were awful, the house felt foreign and I wondered where he was and how he was doing constantly. In the late evenings I began spotting his car parked in various places outside and realized he hadnt been able to leave. I suppose he would work or go out with friends than come home. It was wrenching, and difficult. He wasnt taking this seriously and I knew it. The reality of this being permanent was simply unthinkable to him and so he refused it...I understood and wanted to make things easy on all of us. Pain couldnt be avoided entirely but there had to be a path that was softer than others and I hunted for it.

Change can be so hard and the comfort of familiarity, however unpleasant, beckons. I focused my attention on the moment, tried to think of the next best thing to do in it's smallest forms. I began working harder with my career and focusing on our children, eventually I realized he wasnt even making plans to find an apartment and some of our conditioning was simply that I always took care of our home, his home, and he was at a disadvantage of even knowing how to do that.

I rented a studio for him a block from our house. It was behind a larger home, with an intact family living in the front and there nightly dinner and laughter wafted toward the apartment.

It was terribly depressing and lonely. So I told him to move back in the house and took the studio for myself.

I believe I walked through some of my biggest fears there. It was so basic and insecure. Nothing was familiar or solid. I found solace in knowing that the only thing that would ever provide me with real security was going to come from within.

Like a baby learning how to walk I took a larger condo nearby within a few months and eventually bought a sofa.

A fabulous antique pink velvet one.

Slowly, we began to build our own lives. Blindly grasping through unknown territory toward something real again, hoping to get there without completely demolishing the family that had to somehow prevail.
by Elisabeth  31 Posts 

Posted on 11/6/2007 9:45 AM
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Comments for "Living Arrangements"  (4) (You must be logged in to answer)

wow, it is refreshing to know that I am not the only one doing this or going through it.  I can relate to all of these comments.  I am doing the back and forth thing, I am torn up, he acts like nothing is wrong, and I know it will take me literally packing his stuff and finding an apartment for him to understand.  I cannot live with him and walk around on egg shells -- I need to learn to live alone and it scares the hell out of me.  I too have thought about just leaving but dont want to "abandon" my children and be judged by others.
by Nicole99504   9 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2009 12:37 PM

I'm just starting this process.  I found out a month ago that my husband has been having an affair with the same woman for the last 4 or 5 years.  It's crushing me.  For living arrangements we are playing 'musical houses'.  We have one in one state and a small apartment in another.  I've been going back and forth and we let each other know when one of us needs or wants to switch to the other.  It's a living hell and it has to stop.  I will not spend even one night in the same home as him.  My lawyer is going to try to file so that I'll have sole possession of one place and he'll have sole possession of the other.  The problem is that one is a main home with all the comforts and amenities and the other is more like a crash pad so they offer very disparate lifestyles.  The other thing is that I haven't even filed my divorce papers yet.  It's in the works but between my lawyer and an accountant I hired, and myself, we are trying to make sure that the initial filing is done the best and brightest possible so I can get the most fair pendente lite for the duration of the pendency of the divorce case.  We expect the divorce to be 'war of the roses' based on what my stbx has already done so it will likely be a dragged out divorce.  That's why the accountant and getting the best and most fair pendente lite in the interim is so important.
by banba   2 Posts
Posted on 9/16/2009 12:24 PM

I find comfort in the familiarity of both of your stories.
I too cannot take the in house separation, dealing with the stress. But he is too afraid to leave. I know if we were to try again to work things out, we would be right back where we are. This is not our first time here in 20 yrs.
I too have thought about being the one to leave. But how do u do it when the kids have their rooms and their world here in this house.
Wouldn't it be abandonment if the mother were to leave?
by bunnysting   5 Posts
Posted on 6/8/2008 7:30 PM

unbelivable. We have been "talking" about seperation. It turned into him resenting me (i am the one wants it) I know he doesn't take me seriously. He left for a couple nights, i let him back in, and things went RIGHT back to our normal.He said he will not leave like that again, so i told him I would leave. I have a 7 year old son, and relocating with out my husband will be tourcherous for him. I keep going back n' forth. It's tearing me up; and it's near impossible to keep a clear view of things while living with him. I am waiting for the money to get my own place, we seperated our finances, and he keeps on like nothing is wrong. I am an emotional wreck. ugh...kudos to you for sticking threw it.
by missyV   5 Posts
Posted on 5/21/2008 2:40 PM

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