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Moving Out 

Well, I wish I could say this issue was as easily decided as deciding to get divorced was (since I wasn't involved in that decision), but it definitely was not. 

I actually never officially moved out and still live in the house. 

As my prior piece describes, first I lived in my car for about a month, not because of financial reasons, but because I refused to admit that it was really over.   Since I refused to get my own place (not out of stubborness, but more out of weakness), my ex decided to rent a small apartment that we shared, which is not recommended and did not go very well. 

From the beginning, we both agreed that the kids and their physical and emotional stability was more important that our problems, so we agreed that each parent would switch days at the house until better arrangements could be made. 

The ex is much more into living in the material world that I am and our house was no Taj Mahal, so it was no surprise when she decided to be the one to officially move out and get a new place. 

The process itself was pretty interesting though, because it took about 2 or 3 months before we were physically "separated," even the the emotional separation was done by then; and according to the ex, had occurred years ago (see "Making the Decision").  

I am currently living in our "Marital Home" and we have split custody of the children.  Their living arrangements are the same as always, but mine is quite different -- amazing how different the same house can be -- I guess life really is nothing more perception and there is no one reality in this world. 

I am living in the same house, cooking in the same kitchen, working in the same yard, parking in the same driveway, and sleeping in the same bed (and not always alone, so ha ha!), but it is NOT the same house at all.  It might look the same to other people, but I can sure tell the difference; there is just something missing???   Not sure if anyone here listens to country music, but there is a song by George Strait called "just give it away" and it basically goes through the visual process of being left by your spouse/partner of many years. 

I think this song pretty much sums up how I felt after she finally moved out! Throughout the song, the singer asks his wife well, don't you want your this or that, "that picture from our honeymoon.. your half of everything?" and she simply says "Just give it away," which is the attitude of my ex.  She essentially took her clothes and personal effects, and left all the other crap that you accumulate over that many years.  

The final chorus goes something like this:  "I've got a furnished house, a diamond ring, and a lonely broken heart, and I can't even give it away..."  In other words, what do you do with all the junk that holds your memories with somebody that you loved for over half your life? Nobody else wants it.  I figure many people choose the bonfire technique, which is probably an act of great relief. 

However, I live in the city, so a bonfire would probably get me arrested and I definitely could not burn down the whole entire house, so I eventually chose to do a massive spring cleaning to get rid of all the bad energy left behind.  I think I still have to burn some sage to clean out the negative energies, but I suppose I am reluctant and want to be sure it really is OVER for EVER.  

From my perspective, being the one to move out is probably the easiest and most theraputic way.  A divorce is obviously not only an ending, but a new beginning (once you are able to get beyond the sadness, rejection, pain, etc., etc.) and staying in your same surroundings after something like that can carry its own pain and holdbacks.  Personally, I am looking forward to moving at some point in the near future; just to finally rid myself of all those memories.
Shoot, I might even get a new job, might as well go all the way with the new life idea.   It's kind of like going off to college, you pack your suitcases with all your worldly possessions and just start over.  What a relief that will be and must be for the ex who gets the privilege of moving out first!   

I know most people in the divorce process fight tooth and nail to be the one to keep or stay in the house, but I am telling you that the house you are fighting for is no longer there. Poof, it's gone!! 
by Cary  9 Posts 

Posted on 11/5/2007 3:57 PM
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Comments for "Moving Out"  (15) (You must be logged in to answer)

We tried the separated under the same roof thing for a while. I finally decided to leave because I couldn't just stay there and watch her make a separate life without me right in front of my face. We were civil and all that but I just couldn't love that way. I however would have loved to stay at the house. At least its yours and its your roof over your head. Not someone elses roof over your head where you can never feel quite like you are at home. I'm greatful I have a place to stay while all this plays out. But I'm also resentful of the fact that I had to leave when I wasn't the one who has the problems! Butthe main thought there is who is better with the kids and as a loving and caring father, I could not justify making my kids have to relocate and deal with any more stress than they already have.
by Heartbrokepicker   683 Posts
Posted on 12/19/2008 10:51 AM

You are correct about the house, my husband after my repeated asking him to leave has refused. I felt he should go because I wanted to break the cycle of the women in my family, they are very strong, and determined women.  When I was 6 or 7 with no explanation or warning I had to leave "my room: (home) we moved in with my grandmother, I just couldn't understand what was happening, I grieved over this for years until my mother told me the story. When my oldest son was 3 or 4 I did the same thing to him and he grieved for his home.  I WANTED TO STOP THE CYCLE! But here I am again moving my children out of their environment.  However I am moving because my husband is a verbal abuser tho the children and myself. My 10 year old won't even ask him a question without his 7 year old brother present. My husband does not know that we are leaving, I am scared to tell him because something awful will happen. I think my husband thinks everything is ok. It is therapeutic for me to move out, eventful I spent my complete savings to have the house built, I will leave it, maybe I'll get to go back, maybe I won't. when I met my husband he did not have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of. But now that is neither here or there. I'm leaving for the mental safety of my children and myself. I love my children more than life itself, I would die without them. I said all of that to say this Men pleas think about the welfare of your children and not about the material things.
by SadDeltaGirl   24 Posts
Posted on 11/26/2008 9:01 AM

Cary, I know what you mean about the house not feeling the same.  I was actually the one to move out, since STBX wants the house and the kids are staying with him.  But I've been spending a lot of time at the house and am here now, since STBX is traveling for business this weekend.  It's weird - this house that I lived in for 9 years isn't mine anymore, and I'm living out of a suitcase.  But you know, the minute he told me he wanted a divorce, I emotionally divorced myself from this house.  I didn't want it anymore.  It was our "married" house, and if we weren't going to be married anymore, I didn't want anything to do with it.
by duchick   619 Posts
Posted on 8/17/2008 10:12 AM

Reading this post took me back to my first marriage.
 It ended quickly as we were both too young at the time ( I was 21 she was 19 ). We were renting an apartment which was quite nice and furnished in neutral pleasing tones. Well she decided that sex with one man was not what she wanted and was looking to play the field. So she moved out, took only a few joint possessions and all her personal stuff.
Well, I can remember how horrible it was returning home to "our" from place after work or anything. The memories , both good and bad came flooding back. I was a wreck when I was there. At times pacing back and forth like a caged animal. I even tried to change the decor a bit and moved things around.
After a few months she decided to try the marriage again. She moved back in but it did not work out and I found out she was back so she could use my money and was having an affair. So this time I moved out and it was the best move for me. Sure I still had emotional ups and downs but at least when I went home I went to MY home, which did not contain any memories of her.
To this day I feel that move helped me through a very difficult time.
So I agree with you 100% when you say "..I am telling you that the house you are fighting for is no longer there. Poof, it's gone!! "
by nobob   40 Posts
Posted on 8/17/2008 9:33 AM

I am still in the house. It has been in my family for 3 generations. It can be quiet and lonely at times, I recall the good and the bad. I look forward to filling it again with new voices and memories. we are living together still, currently we're getting along fine and I don't plan on letting things get bumpy. I hope we can do it...
by Abe   14 Posts
Posted on 6/21/2008 3:04 PM

Cary, you sound like a good guy and I really feel for you. If you really have mixed feelings about the house and the stuff she left behind, you can do several very therapeutic things.  

First, pick out what you really don't want at all. If it's trash, throw it out. If it's in good condition, find a homeless shelter or charity you can give it to. Better that someone in need gets some use out of it than have it sitting around your house, making you feel bad!

Second, pick out what you can't part with yet but don't often use, like sentimental Christmas ornaments or special photos. Pack them up in boxes, label and seal them up and store them away where you won't see them all the time, like a garage or a spare bedroom closet. You won't be giving up those memories completely but you will be clearing some of the bad energy from your immediate living space.

Finally, find some new things that you really like that are all yours - some new pillows for the sofa, a new wall hanging, a new bedspread. Start putting some of your own taste back into the house. The more you surround yourself with the things you like and draw happiness from, the better you'll feel. Be sure to use colors that make you feel open, light and happy.

When I separated from my very controlling ex, I bought a big print of the Rocky Mountains and hung it over my sofa. I love the mountains and grew up there, so it gives me a wonderful feeling when I look at it. He also liked dark, heavy colors and our house was decorated in a dark blue decor. I decorated my new space in all light natural colors, like peach and pale green. Even he noticed when he walked into my new place for the first time and he said, "it feels so peaceful in here."

If you have to stay put for legal reasons or mixed feelings, at least make it YOUR space and stop living in 'Our old house'.

Good luck and thanks to everyone. I LOVE this site!

Hope it all goes well - thanks to everyone!
by ElleGator   23 Posts
Posted on 6/13/2008 11:46 AM

Cary: you seem like a good guy with an overall healthy attitude.  Make a plan, figure things out and then make the right decision.  I really get what you mean though about everything being the same but it's not the same.  It's how I feel.  Gosh, I love this site and really appreciate all the people on it.  I appreciate knowing I'm not alone.
by mma   35 Posts
Posted on 5/28/2008 2:07 AM

Interesting perspective, Cary. I stayed in the marital home for a bit after asking Mr. Ex to leave. We never did the "separated under the same roof" arrangement that you describe. When I said it was over, he left. And when he left, he said everything was mine -- the furniture, decorations, even the mortgage. Though he never changed his mind about the mortgage, he did change his tune about the possessions -- and that's fine. Because like the song you mention, he can give it all away for all I care. But I did fight really hard to keep the marital home. I couldn't afford it on my own so I took an extra job to make ends meet. Eventually, I realized it was an uphill battle; the place wasn't worth keeping, and like you said, it never really feels the same.
by freeangel   286 Posts
Posted on 5/7/2008 9:51 PM

I too am living in the house, with the kids and the STBX. He's refusing to discuss any kind of driving arrangements, and won't make arrangements with me regarding who makes dinner, who picks up the kids, or when or what to buy at the market.  It's total chaos, and it's been like this for a year now.  What can I do?  He's driving us all crazy!
by dancer   7 Posts
Posted on 4/21/2008 10:36 PM

after divorce, u do have a new life to start. my ex was a good mad and becaus ei grew up and moved on, i deceided to get a divorce.  the guild alone kills me.  but as i start and get new things, it gets easier.  new job, even new clothes and a new bed.  something about just knowing that was the bed we slept it and to give it away without crying helps me to move on.
by doris   5 Posts
Posted on 4/17/2008 12:48 AM

The home is not the same.  I was awarded the house in the divorce settlement.  It is so lonely here.  There really is no life, laughter, love being shared here anymore.  It is a dead empty home.  If I had the choice and could afford it I would move out.  Good luck with your choice.
by sahutch   3 Posts
Posted on 3/27/2008 6:43 PM

I left my husband after being married for almost 11 yrs due to him repeatedly cheating and alot of other things.  He stayed in the home but I just wanted out.  I knew I couldn't afford the house plus even if I got spousal support I wouldn't have felt right because I'm relying on a man who wasn't committed to anyone or anything.  What if he loose his job or even quit then I would be homeless.  I have three children and staying in this marriage had been beating down in the dirt.  Financially, I was stable enough to pay the bills however I been laid off in October, 2007.  So I decided to go back to school which he agreed to pay the mortgage and I only had to pay half of the utilities.  Well the mortgage is 3 months behind as of right now.  He's never been disciplined enough to stay on top of the bills, that was what I done. 

I'm sure he's having women in our house simply because he didn't even respect me when we was together.  I really don't care because I have the opportunity now to start fresh.  Mentally this was the best thing I could've done.  He's not happy in that house I know for a fact and what woman will come in and help pay off another woman house!  If there's one out there she's crazy.  So if anything a sorry woman will move in but won't be paying anything and will still be on the edge cause the wife could pop up anyday, besides my name is first on this house.  To be honest credit is something you can rebuild but a peace of mind and happiness is priceless.
by mag   114 Posts
Posted on 3/25/2008 12:35 PM

Cary..I know the song about which you speak and I feel the way the wife does in that song. I am still in our house and totally on the fence about leaving.  I want to and I don't want to.  I am not out to screw him but I don't want to screw myself either. My name is first on the mortgage and I intend to have it given to him with the divorce, however, I am afraid he will be unable to make the payments if I leave, thus ruining my already bad credit.


He is the one that really wants this divorce.  I don't want it, but believe it is the only way I can ever be happy again.  He is not willing to work on the marriage and I cannot do it alone. It took 2 to make it happen and it takes 2 to keep it going.

I am scared, lonely and confused.  I try to keep from talking to people about it cause I don't want to air my dirty laundry, but it is so hard sometimes.  Glad I found this site so I can at least vent.

by endthesuffering   6 Posts
Posted on 3/21/2008 12:04 PM

I can so relate to the house not being a home after a divorce.  Our divorce hasn't been settled yet & we are still living together.  In separate bedrooms...Thank God!  We are primarily still here for the kids and for the mere fact I can't afford to move out.  So frustrating!!!  If only my attorney would get temporary spousal support for me I could get out of this blasted house & away from HIM!  I'm really going to miss my kids though...even though we will be joint parenting.
by ascplus2   30 Posts
Posted on 3/3/2008 4:30 PM

cary dont move out until you figure everything out because if you do like i did by professional advise , you will get screwed. stay and as much figured out as possible. good luck . the best advise i was told was what he give your wife the you did not?... 
by rn   4 Posts
Posted on 2/16/2008 11:31 AM

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