"Do what's best for the kids" 

After my former Mother-in-law came to visit last month, she sent me a very nice email thanking me for offers of transportation, company, bed, anything at all if she finds sharing a room with boys in bunk beds turned out to be a little much.

I hadn't seen her in quite a while, as the families have not mixed since the divorce, much to my own selfish disappointment. She wrote: "You and Gil are doing a wonderful job with the kids - they are really very special, each in their own way." I think she saw that this thing about remaining close and friendly? This bizarre practice of still working as a team and sharing responsibilities and activities across two households? Can be done. It can be done.

I was reading an article about Britney Spears (where I go for all my parenting advice) that linked to another written by Sarah Rupp on Lawyers.com:

"Do what's best for the kids."

Everyone says that during a divorce. But determining "what's best" often becomes a mud-slinging tug-of-war where no one wins - especially the children.

Shared parenting plans attempt to diffuse the fighting, putting the children first. Both parents get joint legal and physical custody. The terms "custodial parent" and "visiting parent" no longer apply.

Supporters say joint custody helps fight the "fading father" syndrome, keeping dads emotionally and financially involved.

It makes sense. In a perfect world, children should grow up in a loving, supportive environment with both parents. And in a perfect world, both parents should share equal responsibilities, eradicating "traditional" gender roles where the father's the sole breadwinner and the mother's the sole caregiver.

But in the real world of divorce, the rational, level-headed thinking that joint custody often requires doesn't always seem possible. And that's the biggest barrier...

...David Luevy, an attorney and president of the Children's Rights Council, based in Washington D.C., says that, overall, shared parenting works better than sole custody arrangements."

And then there was this table, which gave me a lot to think about, and to feel good about:


But the crux of the matter seems to be that "studies from the American Psychological Association show that children tend to fare better emotionally when both parents are involved, minimizing the lasting effects of divorce."

I'm so proud of my ex, and of Phil, and my parents, and of myself for showing our children that it's possible to divorce and still remain a team. We're just a team that works better in two houses.