Q: I remarried when my daughter from my first marriage was 4 years old. My current husband, John, has been a wonderful stepfather to my daughter, who is now 24, and they have maintained a close relationship that continues to grow over the years. I recently learned that John set up his retirement beneficiaries to include me as primary beneficiary, and his two grown children from his first marriage as secondary beneficiaries. My daughter was left out, even though he has had a closer relationship with her than with his own children. I don’t think this is right. Shouldn’t he include my daughter — his stepdaughter — in his will and beneficiary designations?
A: Including stepchildren in wills and as beneficiaries of assets is a very delicate issue where there are no clear rules or guidelines. There are as many different ways to set up wills and beneficiaries as there are families! What is important is that you bring the matter up with your husband. Ask John to share his feelings and reasoning behind his decision. Tell him how you feel about his not including your daughter as a beneficiary along with his own children, and tell him exactly what you would like.
Your question did not indicate whether his children are in your will or beneficiary designations. If not, you might consider some reciprocity by including his children in your will. Another factor you might take into consideration is to look at the resources your respective children are likely to inherit from other family members, such as their other biological parent. Your goal is to come up with agreements about your wills that both you and John are satisfied with.
Whatever the outcome, you seem to be very happy with the role that your husband plays in your daughter’s life and the relationship they have developed. Don’t lose sight of that.
Caroline Schacht has a master’s degree in home economics and another in sociology. She has been trained as a divorce mediator and a teacher at East Carolina University, specializing in courtship and marriage classes. She is the co-author of several textbooks, including "Choices in Relationships and Understanding Social Problems." She can be reached a cschacht@suddenlink.net.