With $2.14 billion spent on jewelry and $1.98 billion on flowers, only Christmas tops Mother’s Day for gift giving. And no other holiday tops it for eating out -- with $2.83 billion spent on dinners or brunches. The National Retail Federation says Americans spent a whooping $14 billion fêting mom in 2006. Yet, a significant number of children will spend this Mother’s Day, May 11, without both biological parents. According to a study by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, only 63 percent of American children grow up with both parents — the lowest figure in the Western world. Many of those children lose daily access to a parent through divorce.

So how do you negotiate those familial changes on Mother's Day? In the old days, etiquette rules included which side of the plate you put your fork on and not burping at the table. Today, they include navigating divorcing parents, whether to get a stepmom a gift and what happens when Mother’s Day falls on the weekend Dad is supposed to have the kids. Situations like these call for a new understanding of good manners.  

“Handling situations where there isn’t an etiquette rule is about understanding how to combine manners with three fundamental principles that form the basis of how we get along with each other — demonstrating respect, showing consideration, and being honest,” said Dr. Cindy Post Senning. Dr. Senning is a director of the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt., and co-author of six books, including “The Gift of Good Manners: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Respectful, Kind, Considerate Children.”  

Here are tips from top experts for ways to navigate Mother’s Day when a divorce in part of the landscape. “Getting through Mother’s Day is really about how we’re learning to get along with each other in this very painful situation,” said Dr. Post Senning. 

1. Accept there will be anger from the children.
If Mom is the one who left, the children may be really mad at her. “You’re not going to make it better by saying you have to give her a gift just because she’s your mother,” said Dr. Post Senning. “Being honest means, sometimes, you have to let the holiday go without a lot of celebration so you can have some healing. If Mother’s Day leads to some opportunities for that, great! If not, don’t push, especially the first year.”    

Be honest about the fact things are different. “Kids live a long time hoping mom and dad will get back together,” said Dr. Post Senning. “They may dream about the family going out to dinner on Mother’s Day like they always did and hope that will be the catalyst for mom and dad to reunite. Parents need to be respectful of those feelings, while at the same time telling them, we can’t do that because things are different. If you try and make it like it was when you were a family, you’re only pretending and you’re going to make it worse. Instead, detach from emotion and think about what is it you want to do.”  

2. Try to keep the routine for the kids.
While things are different, as much as possible, keep them similar. “Mother’s Day is a day when children, whatever age, take the initiative. So, Mother’s Day in a home where there’s a divorce should be similar to Mother’s Day in an intact family, except without the participation of the father. The children can draw a picture, write a story, or cook breakfast, if they’re old enough to do so,” said Dr. Judith Wallerstein, who has spent 30 years studying the effects of divorce on families. She is co-author of the international best seller, “What About the Kids? Raising Children Before, During and After Divorce.”    

3. Be considerate and plan ahead for Mother's Day. 
Children do better when they don’t have to scramble to figure out how to handle important events. “The kids shouldn’t be the ones solving the problem about what we do for different holidays,” said Dr. Post Senning. Special occasions, like Mother’s Day, should be part of the parenting plan you work out during the divorce. So, sit down together with the calendar and figure out who has the children for which special day. If there is a joint custody situation and Mother’s Day is on Dad’s weekend, negotiate for some time with the children on Sunday. While most fathers will cooperate for the sake of their children, some will dig in their heels. “If he refuses to change the day, the kids and mom should celebrate on their own on another day,” said Dr. Wallerstein.    

4. Be respectful of your ex as you work out the details. 
Communications problems are the number two reason for divorce. When you’ve had problems communicating in the best of times, communicating when nerves are raw can be tough. Carolyn Ellis, author of the New York Times bestseller “Thrive After Divorce” suggets approaching your ex with respect. “I’d like to talk with you about Mother’s Day. Is this a good time for you to talk?” Ellis advises opening the door with a positive statement like, “I think we’ve been doing a really good job handling our divorce in a way that makes our kids feel safe and loved.” Then state your position by saying something like, “Mother’s Day is coming up in three weeks. The kids are scheduled to be with you and I would like to have some time with them. My request would be to have the children for Sunday morning brunch. If you could help them with a card and gift, I would really appreciate that and I would be happy to reciprocate for Father’s Day.” This is not the time to mention the affair five years ago. Instead, listen to the answer, take some deep breaths if you need to and be as open as possible to what your ex has to say.    

5. Parents should facilitate helping children with gifts. 
On Mother's Day, it's great if Dad can facilitate the children's choice of gifts and cards. This also shows that dad respects his children’s relationship with their mom, even if there is a lot of anger and resentment between them. However, there may be some cases where dad either doesn’t want to or is an absentee parent. Speak honestly to your therapist or friends about how you want to waterboard him but don’t make him wrong in front of the kids because that disrespects their relationship with him and puts them in the middle.