If you’re reading this article, you may be struggling with your marriage and in a great deal of pain. It’s also possible that you still have hope that you can save your marriage. Yet how can a season save a marriage? Perhaps because spring is a powerful symbol and a beautiful setting to do the hard work it will take.
Julian of Norwich, an English mystic during the Middle Ages, said of spring: “Let the winters come and go, for all shall be well again, I know. All manner of things shall be well.” Let the bloom of flowers, the chirping birds of spring and the warmer weather help heal you and lead towards hope for your marriage.
The relationship with your spouse is the most important and complex interpersonal relationship of your life. Lauren Zander is a guru of interpersonal relationships. After a distinguished early career looking at global warming and people’s influence on the environment, Zander founded the
Handelgroup, an international corporate consulting and private coaching company. Their client list includes executives at Vogue, Sony BMG and The World Bank.
Zander regularly provides live coaching on
Sirius Satellite Radio and in 2006 she was a visiting scholar at
MIT University where she developed a groundbreaking course about dealing with dysfunctional interpersonal and professional relationships. The course is in its third year and is such a success it is now offered to the Sloan Fellows at the MIT Sloan School of Management.
Zander’s method is based on living a life of absolute truth to achieve personal integrity. What does this mean in terms of your marriage? “One of the things that I find that is most happening in relationships that start to break down,” says Zander, “is that people don’t value how much what’s going on in their minds (what they’re saying to themselves) is at play with how they take themselves away from their partners. They think the opposite; they think not telling what’s really going on in their heads is helping the relationshiop. What I’ve actually found that makes a huge difference, is that level of vulnerability where you say what you’re thinking and fearing and what’s going on in your mind. When people say that, it makes all the difference with people wanting to be more intimate with each other. Integrity is telling the deep, dark stuff you’ve been keeping to yourself for whatever reason.”
At first it tickled Zander’s funny bone when I asked her if springtime could help save a marriage. Then she got serious. “Springtime could and might even save marriages because springtime brings out wanting to be in love and wanting to feel good about yourself and wanting to take off your clothes (depending on where you live). In the spring, people want to feel in love, and so I think it probably instigates an incredible amount of effort. Some people already realize something’s missing and want to fix it. I think you can definitely feel it missing around springtime — it’s beauitful out, you should be happy during springtime, and if you’re not it’s probably more obvious than ever, so if that inspires you to judge the quality of your relationship and do something about it, I think it can help save your marriage.”
In her professional opinion, most people want to save their marriages, even if they shouldn’t! Perhaps by revealing your most vulnerable thoughts, your partner will open up as well and the springtime bloom will take its course. Using images of spring as a metaphor for your troubled marriage may still seem like a stretch to some, but there is real evidence that spring is indeed the best time for your relationship. Several years ago
Trish McDermott, one of the founders of
match.com and
engage.com and a world-renowned authority on romance and love, did research looking at a number of break-ups and what time of year they occurred.
Here’s what she found: “Statistically,
your relationship is most likely to end in the different seasons as follows: Spring 15 percent, Summer 23 percent, Fall 23 percent, Winter 38 percent.” So, if your relationship survived winter, the odds are in your favor to survive spring and move forward. McDermott has a theory about why spring is such a healthy time for relationships.
“As the sun shines we begin to shed the layers of clothing that tend to hide us, even from our romantic partners. As we shed layers, we often are reminded that physical fitness is appealing and sexy, and we end up exercising more and eating less. This fitness quest is naturally enhanced by the opportunity to be outside and moving around more. So the spring season acts as a physical wake up call for many couples, and as they begin to look and feel better, they are likely to desire and make time for more physical intimacy in their lives.”
If you use this spring as an occasion to work towards more intimacy and personal integrity in your life and marriage, it can lead to positive change. By shedding your layers both literally and figuratively you allow for new growth. Step outside, enjoy the sun and the breeze; if you take a deep breath and appreciate the beauty of the spring sunshine, chances are those rays of light will start to find their way into your relationship. And even if they don’t, you deserve that breath of fresh air: take another.
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Mandy Vemulapalli is a freelance writer living in Chandler, Ariz. She has an MFA in Creative Writing from UNLV and currently writes for "BizAZ Magazine, Woman’s World Magazine" and various Web sites. 