Here’s my problem: His ex-wife often tells the kids mean things about me and says I broke up his marriage to her. The truth is, I didn’t meet him until after he separated from her. She has prohibited me from being anywhere near her house when he picks up his kids. This obviously creates some tension between my boyfriend and me.
His kids aren’t always nice to me, and I think it’s partly because of what their mom says about me. Do you think this situation will improve if we get married? Do you have any ideas about how to handle this? I’m not used to being treated this way. Generally people like me! Thanks,
Dating a Dad
Dear Dating a Dad:
First of all, it’s important for you to realize this situation will likely get worse if you marry him. This is the Number One problem I hear about from women dating dads. Second, her behavior is not personal. Your boyfriend’s ex would probably treat anyone he’s dating the way he’s treating you. It’s likely she’s worried that you will somehow try to replace her as her kids’ mom. This is a common - -and primitive -- worry for divorced moms.
You might begin by asking your ex to arrange a telephone or lunch meeting with you, him and his ex. You might say something like, “I think there’s some tension between you and your ex that could be hurting your kids.” Once you get together with his ex, be sure to tell her you have no intention of replacing her as her kids’ mom. You might even want to tell her that you think she’s done a great job raising her kids.
Say that you want to work together with her and her ex to ensure all the kids are as happy as possible. Be sure to tell her that you already have children of your own. This might make her worry less about you trying to be a “mom” to her kids. At the meeting, you might also ask about her kids and how you can help out when they’re with you and her ex.
For more tips, I suggest you read click on
www.stepfamilyadvice.com/articles.htm, scroll down to the dating stories and read “Dating Someone Who’s Divorced?” You should also click on
www.stepfamilytalkradio.com/products.htm and listen to the first few minutes of “Stepmoms and Their Husbands’ Ex-Wives.” The audio/ebooklet gives great tips for dealing with difficult ex-wives.
Good luck, Lisa
Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets. 