Her Mentor Center: Separated and Over the Marriage

Q: After being married just under five years my wife and I separated. We've been apart for six months now, in therapy and trying to work it out. What I have learned is that I'm over the marriage. But I'm very worried about our children, ages 1 and 3. What impact will a divorce have on them?  

A: This is a highly charged issue, especially when parents use child custody as a battlefield for their own personal conflicts. For a variety of reasons, fathers may be cut out of their children's lives or they distance themselves - and this can lead to them feeling discouraged and disenfranchised. To complicate this problematic situation, research indicates that not having a consistent father figure can have negative effects, both socially and cognitively, on toddler development.  

That being said, and as your children can't speak for themselves, it is up to you to act responsibly -- for their sake. Of course, there will be custody issues, such as anxiety about visitation conflicts with your ex or frustration about having to make decisions in conjunction with their mother. It sounds as if you have decided to proceed with the divorce, so take full advantage of the educational resources available to you -- conciliation court services, parenting classes, family therapy. If you make a commitment to deal with the situation realistically and stay actively involved in the lives of your toddlers, it can eventually be a win/win for your children, their mother and yourself.  

How the divorce will affect your young children will be largely determined by how you handle their feelings. It is difficult for toddlers to really understand divorce but they do know there are changes going on in their lives. They may show they are upset or unhappy with regressive behavior -- crying more often, clinging, sleeping issues or throwing temper tantrums.

There are many ways to help your toddlers feel more secure during the transitional period. Maintain normal routines and try not to change their schedules any more than necessary. Keep your children's favorite toys, blankets, or stuffed animals close at hand; replicate this at both homes. When shifting from their mother to you, be patient, know they may be upset and allow more time to say goodbye. Reassure your young ones and let them know that you may not always be physically present but you will be back -- and reinforce this message each time you leave. Be sure to use lots of hugs and loving words.  

In the long run, avoid the tendency to make every second with your young children extraordinary -- taking them to expensive amusement parks, buying them whatever they want, turning each visit into a party. Come to terms with your divorce so you don't communicate negative feelings to your children. If circumstances get complicated, ignore the impulse to disappear.

Notice when you are having trouble handling your emotions and think about seeing a counselor or life coach. The degree of hostility and amount of conflict between you and your ex will influence how your children will grow up. Showing respect for their mother and establishing a normal, everyday life with them is the best you can do to minimize the impact of the divorce.  


Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.