Stepparents are a fact of life for many of the children growing up in the United States over the past decade. According to the 1998 Census, 32 percent of U.S. children were living in situations that didn't include both biological parents. Of those children, roughly 30 percent are living with a stepparent, according to the National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC), a division of Auburn University’s Center for Children, Youth and Families.  

“In our culture we have such an emphasis on one mother and one father,” said Francesca Adler-Baeder, director of Auburn's family center. “The traditional family roles are so ingrained in all of us.” Meanwhile, the truth is somewhat divorced from that image.

According to research compiled by the NRSC, one of three Americans is a member of a stepfamily. Further, more than half of Americans today have been, are now or will at some point be in one or more step family situations during their lives. Of these families, the most common type is the one in which children reside in stepfather families or combined stepfather-stepmother families. Even when children have a stepmother, more often than not, she does not live with them full time.   

For the many biological fathers who adhere to a traditional model of visitation — every other weekend and one alternate weekday a month — this separation can be wrenching. It is often made worse if there is a stepfather in the picture, which often leads to disengagement. "There is a disengaging pattern on the part of biological fathers when their ex-wives remarry,” Adler-Baeder said.

Disengagement can mean anything from diminished visitation, to falling behind on support payments to no visitation at all. Whatever the manifestation, the process is “very difficult for the child involved,” said Adler-Baeder. The same phenomenon is not seen with biological mothers, which Adler-Baeder attributes to the fact that biological mothers are more often the primary custodial parent. “There is not a context that allows for the same level of disengagement from the mother that we often see in fathers,” said Adler-Baeder.  

For Kirk Jacobson, of Ohio, disengaging from his 13-year-old son after his ex-wife remarried seemed like the only reasonable thing. “After a great deal of anguish and consultation with my pastor and counselor, I decided that it would be best for (my son) if I backed out of the picture,” Jacobson said.

From the time she remarried, a couple months after the divorce was final, their young son was expected to call her new husband “dad.” “I found that she was taking our son to everyone and introducing her new 'husband' as Donald's 'new dad'. She was saying the same to him,” Jacobson said. Although he told his ex-wife he didn't like it, the practice continued. “She even got a counselor to work with Donald to tell him that this was perfectly normal. Unfortunately, there is no limit on the number of counselors who will back up anything the mother wants to do,” Jacobson said.

Ultimately, it was Jacobson’s 13-year-old son’s talk of hurting himself that drove Jacobson to reconsider his part in his son's life, figuring he was hurting the child more by staying around. “This was the toughest decision I have ever made. I am hoping that at some time, he will come around to ask why I left, and I can show him the papers regarding how she asked the court to terminate my parental rights,” Jacobson said.  

Although he has no intention of disengaging from his children, Jason Ousley, of Longview, Texas, has had similar issues similar. He and his wife were married for eight years and have two children, now eight and 11. Their divorce was final in December of 2004. Since then his ex-wife lived with and eventually married the children’s stepfather, a man they call “Dad.”

 “They moved in together three months after we separated,” Ousley said. While their stepfather was spending all his time with them, Ousley — who could not afford a lawyer for the divorce — was given the standard visitation model. “Prior to the divorce, my kids were with me every day,” he said.