Trevor Romain’s kid-friendly treatise on parents in splitsville — “Taking the Duh out of Divorce” — brewed for years before the South African-born artist, speaker and childrens’ advocate brought it to life.            

During that time he watched, pained, as kids suffered during and after their parents’ breakups. Parents, he says, just don’t always get it. They don’t always listen to what the kids are saying. “They’re asking: ‘Is it my fault?’” Romain says. “A lot of the underlying insecurity is that they are taking on the load of the divorce themselves. They’re carrying so much of the baggage.”            

Enter “Duh,” a humorous and compassionate 25-minute animated video about young Skye’s trek through her parents’ divorce with a little help from her playground friend, Jack. In Romain’s video — designed for ages 6 and up to be watched with parents — Skye learns to adjust bravely to her new world, and picks up some clarity and coping techniques along the way. “If children are socially and emotionally fit, they get through life better,” Romain says by phone, in his cheery Brit dialect, from his office in Austin, Texas. “That’s what we’re striving for.”            

Understanding how our kids think is key to helping enable that: First off, “we cannot presume to be inside their brains,” Romain says, so … ask — and listen to what the youngsters are saying. 

Next, know that many kids, even up till middle school, harbor a belief somewhere inside that they’ve caused the divorce. Many also believe they have to pick sides, feel ashamed and don’t know how to reach out for help. “One of the things that kids think when their parents divorce is, they see their parents distraught, they’re going through an incredible amount of pain and guilt, and the kids don’t want to add to it,” Romain says. “What we need to do is to let them know their feelings are as important as ours. We need an easy way to give them a release valve and express what they’re feeling, and let them know that we’re not going to judge them or tell them everything’s going to be okay but that we’re in this together and I’m going to support you and you’re going to support me.”            

To reach into childrens’ worlds, it helps to think like Romain, who says he’s really a 14-year-old trapped inside a grownup body. Ask and listen. Use humor. Stick to facts. And keep asking questions, gently. “It’s really important to share what’s going on with people we trust,” says Romai, whose kids books have sold more than 1 million copies. “It’s vital for parents going through divorce to create a very comfortable, very safe two-way communication system.”

Romain recalls fondly how his own father, Jack, created a ritual that helped them share thoughts and bond: Tuesday nights, they’d go out together for coffee and hot chocolate. And they’d talk. “He’d say, ‘Mom and I had a fight the other day,” or, ‘Should we build a playroom or go on vacation?’ and finally, ‘So what’s going on with you?’” Romain says. “And man I’d spill the beans.”

And his dad listened. And empathized. And asked him to problem-solve. “My dad wasn’t going to run up and change everything,” Romain says. “He was supportive, understood and was going to protect me. He was a foundation, a support, and a constant that was not going to just rush off and fight my battles for me. He was going to help me by giving me confidence.”