Her Mentor Center: Daughters Still Angry about Divorce

Q: Ever since my wife and I divorced three years ago, my married daughters have been so angry with me. For the past year I have been dating a wonderful woman but they are so mean to her. They refuse to include her when I come over to visit them. How can I get through to them that she is important to me and I plan to make her a part of my life?  

A: Even though your daughters were grown up, it is likely that the divorce was hard on them. Divorce is never easy on anyone, but we are now recognizing the heavy toll it can take on adolescents and young adults. It sounds as if they are still experiencing many intense feelings and having a hard time reconciling them. Understanding their motivations and emotions may make it easier for you to cope with their reactions to your new girlfriend.  

They may blame you for the divorce - which would help explain their anger with you. If they see it as your fault, they may consider you the reason that their family changed - and that their expectations for future years of family togetherness were crushed. When they idealize their view of your past family relationships, it makes it difficult for you to build new relationships that will please them.  

Part of their reluctance to include your new girlfriend in their lives may be that your daughters feel that is disloyal to their mother, even though you didn't begin to date her until after the divorce. Seeing you begin a new relationship confirms the finality of your divorce and the loss of their hopes for reconciliation with your ex-wife.    

The reality of divorce may have led your daughters to feel more vulnerable in their own marriages. Studies confirm that children of divorced parents are more likely to have problems in their own marriages. Your daughters may sense this - and their feelings of anxiety about their marriages spill over into their relationship with you.  

Recognize that your relationships with your daughters will never be the same as they were pre-divorce. Of course, these had already changed as they grew and matured into young women anyway. Your best course of action now is to not rush things. Give your daughters more time to adjust to your divorce and don't try to force your new girlfriend on them. If she is as lovely as you say, she will understand that no one can compete with their mother and will instead slowly work on building a new relationship with them. Once you have truly made her an integral part of your life, they will begin to acknowledge your partnership.  


Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.