Her Mentor Center: My Ex Pushes My Buttons

Q: I've been divorced for almost 10 years and have re-married but my ex still knows how to push all my buttons. Last month we were both at a family funeral and, as usual, he made me feel awful. We'll be together again this summer for our grandchild's grade school graduation. What can I do to prepare so he won't get to me like he always does?  

A: It sounds as though, after all these years, you have finally decided to confront and change your reactions toward your ex-husband. As with other issues, recognizing that you have a problem is the first step toward dealing with it. You say "he knows how to push all my buttons" and "he made me feel awful." But the truth is that you allow your buttons to be pushed and you allow yourself to react as you do and feel awful. You certainly cannot control his behavior but you can control your response to it. You have choices to make when he tries to exert his authority over you. You have three basic alternatives in how you react to his manipulations: 

1. You can ignore them; 
2. You can take charge yourself; 
3. You can put his power play into perspective. Arrange with a friend to role-play each of these situations so that you feel more and more comfortable with each of them.  

When you choose to ignore your ex's attitude and /or behavior toward you, you'll need to put your focus elsewhere. You can think about other aspects of the situation -- where you are, what's going on, who else is there, what you like about the scenario - and just continue with what you were doing before he intruded. You can concentrate on lowering the sound of his voice and image him getting smaller and smaller as he recedes into the background.    

When you decide to take charge yourself, you can let him know directly that you will no longer allow him to treat you poorly. State your objections in a calm, clear manner and then lay out your expectations for your future relationship. It will help you to think about on how much you have changed in the past 10 years. You are not the same person you were when you were with your ex and he was in control of the relationship. Make a list of your strengths today and how you implement them. What kind of resources and support do you have that you did not have then? Remember what you have learned over the years about how to get what you want from the world.  

When you work to put his attempts at control into perspective, consider why his evaluation of you is still so important. He is only one of many people who know you well - the others recognize your abilities and positive attributes. Isn't their collective view of you as valid as your ex's? Believing in yourself allows you to discount his skewed criticisms of you. You can assume that he stoops to belittling you to make himself feel more important.  

Finally, plan to enjoy your grandchild's special day. Make that the focus of the family event this summer as you let go of the importance your ex once held in your life. And in your definition of yourself, remember that you are much more than an ex-wife -- you are a strong, confident woman capable of managing yourself and your actions.  


Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.