Oh boy – DATING – a six-letter word. Sometimes exciting and sometimes terrifying! But always an adventure in juggling, letting go and letting IN. I am actually watching my son, the teenager in his dating life. I see the romantic in him, and I know first of all that I am doing my job raising a boy that treats girls with respect. I also see a young man that knows how to communicate. I want that.
Interesting when our kids teach us what we want, what we need – and most importantly, what we don’t want. Before I dipped my toes in the newly divorced dating waters, I got VERY clear about what worked and did not work in my marriage. Then, I made my list of the kind of relationship, and man I want to manifest in my life – once I moved through the leftover hurt and pain left behind from my divorce. I wanted a man with a sense of humor, a family man and a man who is giving of himself.
The clearer I got, the more confidence I had that I could create that in my life, and accept a wonderful new beginning. The key was letting go of the past and moving forward – starting anew with all I know NOW. Believe me; I dated men who on the first date – complained about their ex, or finances or all the pain they have been through. Note to Self: never again – BIG turn off, HUGE dating no-no.
Hence, I created my one-year rule: no dating a man who had been divorced for less than one year. It made sense to me because it takes at least that long to process and move through the emotions of divorce, and get ones confidence back on track. I also have to say that keeping your kids first is an important key in dating after divorce. Too many parents jump into the dating pool without taking their children, and THEIR losses into account.
Being a role model is a highly regarded position in life; it’s important to remind ourselves that we are role models – no matter how much we have on our plates after divorce or separation. So set the priorities from the beginning, it’s essential to get your new life afloat without the walls caving in.
Lastly, your children want you to be happy and full of life….so choose wisely and try not to repeat the past. You may feel comfortable with a certain type of relationship but it may not be the right one for you. Take some time to evaluate what works and what doesn’t and swim slowly in the murky dating waters; have specified life rafts such as friends and confidants that you can share with. Empower yourself and all with be right in your new world!
Jodi Seidler is the founder of the single parent site MakingLemonade.com and the author of "55 Things Every Divorcing Mom Should Know!" Her advice has also made it to TV talk shows, such as: "Inside Edition"and "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus." Her e-mail is jodi@makinglemonade.com.