When Mary Ann Gehrenbeck, an elementary school teacher in Silver Spring, Md., prepared to tell her son about her divorce, one of the first people she confided in was her son’s teacher. “I think parents sometimes feel shy or embarrassed and don’t want to share the intimate details of their lives,” Gehrenbeck said, “but I think it is important for teachers to know and understand.”
Returning to school after parents decide to separate or divorce can be traumatic. But Gehrenbeck attributes her preparation and a unified effort between herself and her son’s school for his positive transition. Gehrenbeck’s son was 6 years old when she and her husband separated. Her divorce was final a few months ago. But it was the time immediately surrounding breaking the news to her son that was most important. And because he spends so much of his day in school, Gehrenbeck said, it was essential to draw his teachers into the process.
As a teacher and as a parent, she knows that students’ personal issues are part of the school experience. “I understand that children come to school to learn, but they are truly individual people and they come with whatever they come with,” Gehrenbeck said. “We can’t expect them to turn off what is going on with them.”
So, for her, the answer was being honest with her son’s teacher. She explained that she and her husband were separating, and her son might show signs of emotional turmoil. She also told his teacher about custody arrangements. And lastly, she told the teacher what day she planned to break the news to her son so the teacher would be aware of any changes in behavior. “I think the big thing is helping kids feel as comfortable as they can and not making it this big secret that they can’t talk about,” Gehrenbeck said.
Gehrenbeck encouraged her son’s teacher to talk to him about what was happening at home. She asked her son’s teacher to use the same language in talking to him about his parent’s separation as they were all using at home. She also asked that, whenever possible, the teacher reiterate that the divorce was not in any way her son’s fault. Contacting the school’s counselors can also help, Gehrenbeck said. “Those are the people who are truly trained in this, and they can help normalize it,” she said.
SCHOOL RESOURCES
Making use of school resources is a way to guide students through what might otherwise be a traumatic emotional experience, said Cheli Cerra, M.Ed., the author of the "School Talk!" series of books, which provide scenarios and solutions for improving communication among parents, teachers, students and principals. Cerra is a family education specialist in Miami, Fla., a principal of an elementary school, and the mother of two children.
Leaning on teachers and counselors in the school system will ensure that everyone involved with the student watches for any signs of emotional difficulty as a response to the divorce, Cerra said. “You have to keep a watchful eye to make sure the child does not get depressed,” she said.
Beyond observing a student’s behavior, teachers can also help provide a stable, nurturing environment for the student. This can be especially important when the divorce is not amicable, Cerra said. “Keep the child in a positive environment,” she said. “Keep the negativity out.”
It is also imperative that teachers are aware of the student’s home situation for the more mundane issues, Cerra said, like emergency contact cards, dropping the student off and school and picking the student up. Cerra said teacher need to be informed about any changes at home in order to help keep the student on track at school.
The best scenario for a child whose parents are going through a divorce is a combined effort between parents and the school. “The bottom line is making that child succeed and feel good about themselves,” Cerra said.
