If children are involved when a couple is making the decision to get a divorce or not, there can be many concerns but one of the most common is “What’s best for our children?”
From years of experience as relationship coaches and having gone through divorces from previous partners ourselves, we’ve been privileged to hear the stories of hundreds of couples — just like you — who were contemplating whether or not to get a divorce. All of these people just wanted to make the best decision for themselves and their families.
It is common for people in this situation to “protect” the children by doing whatever they can to prevent them from knowing that their parents’ marriage is in trouble. Unfortunately, it can be a big shock to the kids when they do realize the real state of their parent’s marriage. We’ve found out that, most of the time, the kids DO have a sense of how bad a marriage has become. They might suspect that something just isn’t right in their home or they overtly hear or see signs that betray the truth the parents are trying to shield them from.
What can you do if you’re in this situation and want to do what’s best for your kids? One thing you can do is ask yourself this question: Which will better show them an ongoing example of love in action — staying together or ending the marriage? The answer to this question must come from your heart and not your head. Let go of past programming of how you “should” be and allow the answer to come from deep within yourself. Set aside the guilt that may be inside you and possible concern about how others might view you if you left your relationship.
Right now, focus only on the potential of showing your children the best example possible of love and kindness between two loving adults. While there are no guarantees that you will find love if you leave this marriage, you should be able to gauge if you and your wife or husband will be able to create genuine love between the two of you again. We’ve found that children are not only perceptive of what’s going on in a family where the marriage is in trouble but they are also more resilient than they are expected to be.
Let’s face it, raising children can be quite a challenge in and of itself! Whether you decide to stay in or leave your marriage, take a step forward with that decision in an honest, conscious and graceful way.
Susie and Otto Collins are the creators of passionateheart.com or http://www.collinspartners.com. They are relationship coaches and life partners. Their formal training has been with Drs. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks of the Hendricks Institute and Comprehensive Coaching U and with Dr. Belinda Gore. They can be reached at webmaster@collinspartners.com.