Her Mentor Center: Worried about Money in Divorce

Q: My husband of 12 years just moved out and wants a divorce. I have been a homemaker throughout our marriage while he has earned the money and handled all the finances. How do I begin to take care of myself when I feel so helpless and scared about the future?  

A: As many women have learned, while divorce is mentally and emotionally trying, it can also cause financial suffering. You will find yourself less scared when you begin to take back some of the control in the household. Determining your monthly expenses, creating a budget, arranging for your husband to provide you with a regular monthly check, hiring a lawyer to represent your financial interests and establishing credit in your own name are only some of the ways to move forward both practically and psychologically.  

Typically a woman's standard of living decreases dramatically in the first year after divorce. Whereas only 28 percent of women get any kind of ongoing financial alimony from their ex, over a third of those who are allotted spousal or child support never receive any at all. The message here is it's up to you.  

So, even if you are entitled to equity, savings or ongoing support, it is important that you learn how to take better care of yourself. And this can have a variety of benefits in terms of feeling less helpless and dependent. If you have prior experience, you may be able to jump right back into the work force. Or if you want to pursue a different career path you'll want to go back to school or take some on the job training. Try to examine your feelings. If you are ambivalent – are you unsure of what you want to do, feeling insecure about your capabilities or driven by getting back at your husband? Talk with friends or a therapist to understand and work through your resistance.  

Begin to see financial self-sufficiency as an opportunity. You'll be out in the business world, meeting new people. It's a chance to learn new skills, gain experience, feel stimulated and fulfilled in your career. As difficult as this transition may be, over time you will be free from dependency on your ex, have a stronger sense of self and feel more positive about your future.  



Dr. Rosemary Lichtman and Dr. Phyllis Goldberg have guided their clients through reassessing their lives, before, during and after divorce. They created http://www.HerMentorCenter.com, which provides coaching services and a free e-zine.