He’s so charming, intelligent and attractive that you’re blown away by the fact he’s paying attention. He tells you that he’s never met anyone as beautiful. "So what we’ve only been dating for two months. How about we get married?" he asks. This might be true love. On the other hand, you might have hooked up with a narcissist who uses charm to woo his victims so he can fill his empty self with the qualities you possess.
Narcissism is about how we view ourselves in relationship to the world. The word comes from a mythical Greek youth who symbolized pathological selfishness, alienation, self-deception and self-destruction. Everyone has some degree of narcissism -- but some is healthy and some is not. “Healthy narcissism is a mature, balanced love of oneself coupled with a stable sense of self-worth and self-esteem,” said
Dr. Sam Vaknin, author of “
Malignant Self Love." But, “The sick narcissist's sense of self-worth and self-esteem derive entirely from audience feedback because the narcissist has no self-esteem or self-worth of his own. In the absence of observers, the narcissist shrivels to non-existence and feels dead.”
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) says that almost 75 percent of those diagnosed with
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are men, and the numbers are growing. A 2006 study found that two-thirds of college students who took a Narcissistic Personality Inventory evaluation had above average scores, representing a 30 percent increase since 1982.
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Experts say pathological narcissism is caused by both nature and nurture. “While there are likely genetic factors that make someone predisposed to narcissism, the way they are raised can make a huge difference in how that narcissism develops,” said
Dr. Irene Matiatos, a clinical psychologist who works with victims of narcissists.
Consider these questions:Does he seem oblivious to other people’s needs and feelings?
Do you notice he often exudes an air of superiority or amused indifference?
While he may maintain piercing eye contact, does he either get uncomfortably close or seem coldly detached?
When you go out to eat, does he ask for “special treatment" or overreact if his martini comes with only two olives instead of three?
If you don’t give him your undivided attention, does he sulk and find ways to humiliate you?
Do his manners suddenly deteriorate into barbs and hostility?
Does he talk in terms of “I,” ”my,” “myself,” and “mine' but, rarely, if ever, say “yours?”
Does his humor feel biting and, if you protest, does he tell you to “lighten up?”
Is he impatient, easily bored, even angry, if the conversation is about something other than what he’s thinking?
He is, after all, extraordinary. Meanwhile,
you're walking on eggshells because he thinks even the most innocent remarks are attempts to belittle him. If any of this sounds familiar, you may have a narcissist in your life. He attaches himself to his victims and sucks out their lifeblood to feed his empty self, while you become increasingly confused, numb and drained.
Narcissists often have other mental health issues such as eating disorders and substance abuse issues. Because they have poor impulse control, narcissists may spend too much and engage in inappropriate sexual behavior and are frequently abusive. On the other hand, Theodore Millon, author of “Personality Disorders in Modern Life,” says some narcissists feel morally superior, and “..It is those who are unable to remain morally pure who are looked upon with contempt.” If your narcissist is the morally superior type, you’ll feel constantly judged.
Unfortunately, narcissists are hard spot.
Mary Jo Fay, author “
When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong," offers clues including: egotistical and controlling behavior, feeling like the rules don't apply, is never happy no matter what you do, feels more entitled than any one else, shows a lack of compassion and has significantly changed their personality since the relationship began.
