By DR. PAMELA THOMPSON
Q: I am dating a guy who was married for 25 years and has been divorced for three years. He has grown or virtually grown children. I’m 34, and he is 48. He has many qualities that I find appealing, but I feel a little pressured by him to come to a decision quickly regarding whether I see marriage in our future. He has stated that he cannot proceed in dating me if I can’t answer him within a year. I don’t want to run him away because I’ve never experienced the type of respect, attention, and affection he offers, but the truth is I don’t know what I think about a future with him. I really grieved my divorce three years ago, and I’m afraid of making another mistake. Help!
A: You are wise to pay attention to your feeling of being rushed. Take heed. His age and life experience have apparently made him a little anxious to resettle his life, which may not be a fit for where you are in your stage of life. If you truly haven’t reached any conclusions about him by the “year-end deadline,” DO NOT concede to his desires in order to avoid losing him.
If he is a compatible fit for you, he will exercise patience and make room for your need to come to your own conclusions. If he is not willing to make that room for you, then this is information you need to have. It demonstrates how he’s likely to handle your needs and concerns after marriage.
Also consider carefully whether he desires to have any more children and whether that’s a concern for you. Above all else, don’t fool yourself into thinking that you’ll never find another person to treat you as he has. The fact that he’s the first may cloud your judgment. He may be better than the rest but not necessarily
the best fit for you and your life at this time.
Pamela Thompson, Psy. D., is the owner of Building Bridges to Better Lives, P.C., in south Atlanta. She works together with a group of psychologists at a life and executive coaching firm known as The Novem Group, novemgroup.com. Answers provided by this column are no substitute for therapy. 