Once a new couple has decided to remarry, they must decide how to blend their families. At best, this can be a tricky and complicated process, particularly when dealing with children, in-laws and ex-spouses. In many instances, there is underlying fear and resentment, which can disrupt the process. Many people think their families can be easily blended, given time. However, this is not always the case.
“The most common problem, unfortunately, is the notion that stepfamilies can "blend". They don't. It just doesn't work that way,” said
Certified Imago Relationship Therapist Maggie Vlazny, who holds a masters in social work and is a licensed clinical social worker. Vlanzy, who is based in Danbury, Conn., is also a Certified EMDR Therapist and National Board Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist.
“I have never seen a divorce that ended amicably, which means the children and extended family have been impacted. They don't blend into one,” she said. “They divide into factions. Everyone wants their time with the kids, especially around holidays, which causes increased stress. And no matter how family time is set, the kids always end up feeling disloyal.”
Additionally, establishing new roles between step-parents and children is a determining factor in how smooth the process of blending two families will actually be. According to
Rochelle Park, N.J. psychotherapist Rachel Long, MSW, LCSW, problems surrounding the process of blending families has more to do with establishing roles than anything else. Long works extensively with individuals, families and couples on resolving problems in their interpersonal relationships. She says the problems can begin as parents try to establish the new spouse “as a parental figure or more of a friend who deserves a certain amount of respect.”
However, despite the challenges, there are steps that new couples can take to make the process easier on themselves --- as well as their families. Long says the process begins with the couple. Discussing expectations before the marriage and talking about family life and individual roles can bring up potential issues. “Blended families in particular should talk about how they see married life or family life and each of their roles. It is amazing how many people never talk about how they foresee their lives to play out in the every day,” she said.
Kids are not the only potential source of conflict. Sometimes, in-laws can cause trouble, particularly if they are close to the ex-spouse and still feel a sense of loyalty toward him or her. Vlazny says if couples find themselves in this situation, it’s important not to react immediately. “Be patient. It takes time for new ties to form. Be non-reactive to their troublesome behavior. Kill them with kindness,” she said. “Don't put your spouse in the middle of you and them, just as you shouldn't put your spouse between you and the kids.”
