One woman felt she could heal from her divorce better if she could share her experiences with other people, so she started a divorce support group. Fifteen years later, that support group is still going strong, and Micki McWade has written two books on the subject. McWade’s idea to share her story as a way to move through her divorce was on target, according to psychological experts. Expressing feelings about the divorce process, whether it is in a support group, on the Internet, or with family and friends, can be a positive step in healing.            

Micki McWade, the author of "Healing You, Healing Me: A Divorce Group Leader's Guide and Getting Up, Getting Over, Getting On: A Twelve Step Guide to Divorce Recovery," said she turned toward support groups because they had worked for her in her recovery from alcoholism. The part of Alcoholics Anonymous that resonated with her was the support from others as she talked about her experiences.            

So she put together her own group in New York in 1993. She said she wanted to find a way to get through her divorce in a positive way. She didn’t want her children to have to watch her struggle through a difficult time, so she leaned on others for support, she said. 

The process of listening to other people talk about their experiences, and comparing it to one’s own divorce journey can make it all easier, McWade said. McWade has a Web site that details a 12-step process to get through divorce at www.12stepdivorce.org. “I think that knowing, first of all, that you are not alone in this. It is a very important piece of information,”  McWade said. “To share one’s story, but also to hear other people in the group share their stories, helps people to understand that divorce is normal today. It is not strange or unheard of.”            

She said that the feeling if isolation when one is experiencing divorce can be one of the biggest obstacles to overcome. Especially when many friends are married or part of couples. Finding a group of people to listen, who know the feelings involved in the divorce process, and who are living it themselves lends comfort, McWade said.  In her groups, McWade said, the rules are simple:  Each person has a chance to speak for a maximum of five minutes. No one may take during this time, and no one may speak after someone shares their thoughts.            

She said that when a support group works properly, getting people to feel comfortable sharing comes naturally. Generally, participants want to talk about what they are feeling, she said. “People won’t be afraid they will be attacked or embarrassed. People can take their time or not at all.” McWade said.            

When a participant speaks, he or she can talk about anything that is on his or her mind. “In other words, I can say what’s on my mind, and no one is going to say no you’re wrong,”  McWade said. “It’s my turn to speak.” And after the participant shares, no one should respond to the content of the sharing, she said. It can take the meeting off track, she said, and often the participants don’t know enough about every aspect of the participants situation to offer advice. “Someone will be really upset and choked up about something, and the natural instinct is for people to comfort someone,”  McWade said. “Then people jump on bandwagon with advice. It becomes overwhelming. We discourage that.”            

Instead, during a break in the sharing process, participants are encouraged to talk to each other about what has been said. The focus of the group meeting is to simply share feelings, and to leave it at that, McWade said. “We just let the person be in the moment, and that in itself can be really healing,”  McWade said.   


SHARING CAN KEEP DIVORCE IN PERSPECTIVE              

Talking to others about divorce can help answer the array of emotional questions that arise, said Susan Silverman, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in White Plains, N.Y. Silverman contributed to "A Handbook of Divorce and Custody:  Forensic, Developmental, and Clinical Perspectives." “Divorce is high on the Richter scale, there. It is probably the second most stressful thing one goes through,”  Silverman said.             

She said that, as one’s life begins to change as a result of divorce, one of the first unconscious questions one might hear is, “Will I survive this?” By discussing feelings about the divorce or sharing experiences with others, Silverman said, one learns how to survive divorce. “Talking to people helps answer those questions and keep things in perspective,”  Silverman said.            

One of the benefits of talking about divorce is coming to the realization that a person going through divorce feels less alone. “You see that others have gone through similar experiences,”  Silverman said. Another benefit is learning about how others solve similar problems. Exchanging ideas and information can be extremely valuable, she said.  It may not be the right answer for you, but it gives information,”  Silverman said. “With divorce in particular, there is a lot of factual information to figure out.”