By LAURIE S. HALL
MORE RESOURCES TO HELP REPAIR YOUR MARRAIGE When The Globe published photos of Frank Gifford’s affair with Suzen Johnson in its May 1997 edition, the public wondered what would happen to Gifford’s marriage to Kathie Lee. As co-host of Live With Regis and Kathie Lee, Kathie Lee had often talked about their marriage and their children, portraying their family as picture perfect.
Many couples have privately experienced the Gifford’s very public pain. A University of Chicago study found that every year, four to six percent of American marriages experience infidelity, with 25 percent of all marriages affected by the pain of infidelity sometime during the marriage.
Dr. Don David Lusterman, author of “Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide,” works with many couples whose marriages have been devastated by infidelity. He’s found that 75-80 percent of those who are willing to work on things end up with a better marriage. For this reason, he believes that most marriages do not end because of infidelity. They end because people didn't know how to conduct them.
If the betrayed partner decides to stay, Lusterman believes marriages can survive an affair, as long as both parties are willing to do the hard work necessary to achieve an authentic relationship.
NINE STEPS TO RESTORING A MARRIAGE
1) First of all, survive.
Kathie Lee’s initial response was one of survival. “First, I had to help him, because he was so broken and truly desperate for me to forgive him. And so I said, yes, of course, not even knowing all details,” she told Larry King. “Then, it's about circle the wagons, let's protect our family, our children.” The stress of adultery is tough on your body. So, while you may lose your appetite or crave carbs, as much as possible, try to eat right. Stay away from the booze. Try to get your sleep, even if you have to ask your doctor for something to help you.
2) Don’t judge yourself for your choice to stay.
Before finding out their own spouse has had an affair, many people have said what they would or wouldn’t do if their spouse cheated, only to do the opposite when it happens to them. When it’s your marriage, your kids, and your home that are on the line, many people decide to swallow their hurt and pride try and save the marriage. “I had been married at that point for 11 years to a man I adored who had never given me one reason ever to doubt his sincerity or to not to trust him. So this was an aberration in my husband's life,” Kathie Lee told Larry King when he asked her why she’d stayed. “I thought about 11 years of love in my life and kindness and tenderness and warmth and sexiness, and just friendship and all those things. How am I going to throw something so valuable away because he made a stupid mistake?” It took three years of therapy for Kathie Lee to see things from that perspective.
3) Don’t judge yourself for your reaction.
While Kathie Lee pulled it together in the beginning, after the shock wore off, she began to feel the pain. “I don't think most people know how they would react. You don't until it does happen to you,” Kathie Lee would later tell Larry King. The more invested you are in your marriage, the greater the shock and hurt. So, for many people, the initial response to discovering an affair is pretty messy. Kathie Lee admitted in a “20/20 Downtown” interview, that initially, she was so disappointed and hurt she wanted to kill Frank. “I’ve seen very cultured gentle people, who never curse, completely break down and do a lot of screaming and swearing,” said Dr. Lusterman.
4) Be forthcoming about the details of the affair(s).
Knowing what has happened is an important part of unraveling the deception that was part of the adultery. Deception often creates feelings of “craziness” in the spouse. Getting clear about exactly what occurred when begins the arduous process of restoring trust. This doesn't involve every gory detail and exactly what happened between the adulterer and his lover. “What’s important is how was I lied to,” Dr. Lusterman said. “That involves time lines, reconstruction of travel, business arrangements, and other details. Once that's done and some comforting occurs, then we can work on "normal" marriage problems.”
