WANT TO TRY SPEED DATING? HERE ARE SITES TO HELP. 

    The bar is packed with suitors lined up against the far wall for a chance with the women sipping drinks in front of them. A typical singles night, but with a twist: every woman has a numbered sign and scorecard. Welcome to speed dating. Started by an L.A. rabbi as a way for Jewish bachelors to meet potential mates, the practice has rapidly found favor with busy singles. Use caution, however: what appears to be romantic musical chairs can be fraught with the pressure of making a good first impression. This can be especially trying for the recently divorced, many of whom are still grappling with the fall-out of past relationships.

Deborah, who asked that her last name not be used, is a film director in her thirties who recently ended a six-year marriage. “When I got married a part of me was relieved, because it meant my days of playing the dating game were over. But then it ends, and you’re thrust back into it.” She plays with the edges of her scorecard. “It’s like moving to a foreign country, and not speaking the language.”

According to psychologist Philip Belove, Ed.d (drbelove@datingatmidlife.com), the process of finding someone new happens in stages. “At first you’re still reacting to what’s happened. Often people at this stage do short-term relationships with little future, and this is a kind of safety for them.” It’s also a form of self-sabotage, an instinctive check against proceeding down a path without having lain the necessary groundwork first. In a format as concentrated as speed dating, not having a clear idea of what you’re looking for could prove disastrous.  “A person should ask themselves, ‘How afraid am I of being alone?’  If the answer is ‘Very’, then that’s a sign you’re not able to develop standards and are just reacting.”

Deborah’s first date, a software engineer, comes over, and they spend a few moments engaged in small-talk.  After less than a minute, however, he deliberately shifts gears and starts posing serious questions about work, family and relationship wants. It’s a jarring break from the gradual build of a typical conversation. Finally the date ends, participants mark their scorecards, and it’s on to the next person.