The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.
Faith-Based Programs
Spirituality: How to Chose a Faith-Based Program to Heal Your Broken Relationship
By LAURIE MOISON
If you're searching for a faith-based program to help your broken relationship, here are some things to consider before signing up.
1. Look for programs that teach relationship skills rather than Biblical roles.
The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict,” says Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education (CMFCE). “What's sad is the reason we avoid conflict is because we believe it will cause divorce. Later, we avoid conflict because when we try to deal with our differences, things get so out of hand and our fights so destructive and upsetting that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups we become determined to avoid conflict at any cost. Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy.”
2. Ask for references.
Ask to speak with at least three couples (besides the presenters) that have attended the program and are still together and reasonably happy five years later. If this program works, there will be a track record of couples that have found their way back to each other. Listen carefully for authenticity.
3. Be open.
The parable that Jesus told about the Good Samaritan is a story about how help can come to us from places we least expect it. So, don’t discount programs that are from a different faith tradition than your own. One woman who was a conservative Protestant attended a Catholic Marriage Encounter weekend. She was moved to tears by the love she felt from the presenting couples and humbled to discover that people she hadn’t even considered as “saved” had wisdom and insight she hadn’t found in her own church. Your marriage is in trouble. If God sends you a helicopter instead of a plane, don’t refuse help just because it comes in a form that’s different than what you expected. Instead, glean as much goodness as you can while filtering what is said and taught through your own spiritual understanding. Remember: the goal is not to convert another to our way of thinking but to respect, listen to, and learn from each other. Being present without judgment is a relationship skill that allows people to flourish.
4. Be aware that there may be portions of the program where you have limited participation.
While most programs welcome people of all faiths or no faith, you may find that some put certain limits around the participation of those from different faith traditions. For example, at Catholic sponsored programs, non-Catholics, while encouraged to attend the Masses, are usually not allowed to take Communion. Instead, the priest will bless them. If you do encounter limits, be a good guest. Rather than feeling offended, realize that these limits come from deeply held beliefs and make that OK. Acceptance is a mindset that makes marriages work, too!
