Before Marriage, Talk about This

    If you were buying a car, the odds are you’d conduct research, investigate Consumer Reports and Edmunds.com, and ask some tough questions to ensure that the car will last ten years.  But strangely, many people enter marriage without asking any questions of their mate.  Many people operate on the belief that everything will magically work out in the end.  Then they get married, reality strikes, and nearly one of two marriages disintegrate.                   

The best way to make sure that your marriage stays intact and doesn’t lapse into divorce is to discuss major issues ahead of time, explains Barbara Bartlein, author of "Why Did I Marry You Anyway? — Overcoming the Myths that Hinder a Happy Marriage." Bartlein advises that couples talk about the “three big issues: money, sex and kids. These are the top issues couples fight about.”                 

FIRST COMES MONEY            

Why do so many couples, however, avoid discussing money? “We’re not educated to discuss it,” says Jerry Gale, clinical director of The University of Georgia’s McPhal Family Therapy Program, located in Athens, Ga. Parents often don’t discuss their finances with their children and treat money as a taboo subject. Often one parent oversees the finances and keeps this information private.                

Hence couples need to discuss their personal finance styles, explains Bartlein. Some people are savers,  some are spenders, and some spend money impulsively. If a saver marries a spender, conflict is sure to arise. Research shows that individuals who both plan ahead about money and save have the fewest problems.                  

But if each spouse has a different style, then talking about how you’re going to handle money before you get married is imperative. Will you save 10 percent of what you make for a mortgage? Must you save for a new car of the kids’ college education? Or decrease your credit card debt? As long as you’re both on the same page and take a mutual approach, conflicts can be avoided.                  

Deciding on how money is spent, particularly in these economically difficult times, is crucial to maintaining a positive marriage. Even before couples get married, they need to discuss how the budget will be balanced and finances allocated.                   


NEXT COMES SEX                

Ironically, most married people have an easier time talking about their sex life with their best friend then their spouse, Gale asserts. Many individuals are reluctant to discuss the subtleties of lovemaking with their mate, and yet these preferences contribute to creating a satisfying love life.                 

Why are so many people reluctant to bring their feelings about lovemaking into the open with their mate? Many people get defensive about their sexual life. “Most people don’t want to think less of themselves and want to believe that they are doing their best,” Gale says. Hence, they are so afraid to learn the truth or elicit any feedback about how they’re doing in their sexual life that they avoid any discussions about it.                  

Talking about one’s sexual life is very awkward for many people. Discussing what positions makes them happy, what exactly they want from their partner, what is working and what isn’t can be very difficult.  And these difficult discussions aren’t just about sexual intercourse, but also about foreplay, which involves, kissing, hugging and tenderness.                  

But your partner isn’t a mind reader. “Misunderstanding and unspoken sexual desires lead to conflict,” Gale says. His advice: deal with the awkwardness, bring sexual desires and wants out in the open, but never in a nasty or accusatory way. The goal of this discussion is making both people in their sexual relationship happy, which springs from being supportive of one another, not critical.