8 Tips for Kids whose Parents are Remarrying13 Tips for Parents who are Remarrying The biggest test when remarrying is how your fiancee will fit into your family. What happens when your children are unwilling to accept your new love?
"It is not always a matter of if the child likes or dislikes the new partner. Often it is the feelings that come along with this change that the children respond to," said Emily Ryan Smith, a social worker in Mobile, Ala.
"Children will have different emotional responses to family change based on the child’s age, developmental stage and the presence of other life changes," she said. "Children often feel anxiety due to the uncertainty of the future. They may ask themselves, 'Where will we live? Will I have to share my room? Will I have to call him Dad? Where do I fit into this family?'”
According to the Center for Law and Social Policy, 61 percent of divorced couples have children. That means almost one-third of divorcees who remarry face the possible conflict. "The main problem that happens with teenagers is that divorce is good for the parents, but actually, children - -even if the parents aren't getting along, even if they're quite unhappy together -- children like having both parents in the house," says Dr. Marcia Polansky, a psychotherapist and professor at Drexel University in Philadelphia, Pa.
She recommends that parents who remarry help maintain the bond between their children and ex-spouse. "Although it improves the quality of the parents' life, children need access to both parents, especially if you're a teenager, where the best place to run into your parents is in your house," Polansky said.
Smith said parents need to remember that it is more difficult for children to adjust to a new partner than they might expect. "The adjustment period will be more trying if there is unresolved grief due to the parent’s divorce. The feelings discussed previously, may be expressed in different ways," she said.
Young children may regress to a period in their life when they felt safe; for example, use of baby talk, sucking their thumb or becoming very clingy to the parent. Others may act out aggressively as a way of expressing feelings of anger or fear," she says. "Some children internalize their feelings and withdraw or exhibit depressive symptoms. Teenagers may become more cynical toward the parent and step-parent," she said.
When this happens, Smith said children may be less willing to talk about it than before. "Anxiety regarding the invasion of private space is common," she explained.
Polansky says divorce comes at the worst time when children are in their teens, because those are the years when they start developing relationships.
"They're very distressed, because they're at the point in their lives when they're starting to form their romantic views, having boyfriends and girlfriends, starting dating. They're wondering if their relationships are going to work out, because they see that their parents' didn't, and they may feel that they don't have a home," she said. "Teens are really trying to prove themselves. The question is, are they going to be like their parents or can they create a satisfying relationship?"
Polansky said that although divorce is more frequent in society, "I think teenagers are still embarrassed." And a new love relationship for one parent can cause other feelings as well.
"Children may experience sadness as they loose hope that their parents will reunite. Jealousy of time and attention given to the new partner or step-sibling is not uncommon. Children will typically experience loyalty conflicts. Anger may be experienced as a result of the change as well. Some children, if the parent’s previous marriage involved much conflict or abuse, may have a smoother adjustment period," said Smith.
