Dear Lisa,
Do you have any advice about how to cope with the stress that surrounds the holidays in stepfamilies? This is so hard for our stepfamily, which has been together for two years. My husband still spends time with his ex-wife on Christmas. They open presents with the kids. He says he does this to make the kids feel good. But it makes me feel terrible; it just seems like they’re pretending they’re still together for this one day of the year. I feel left out and rejected. Meanwhile, his ex competes with us for time with the kids. She also competes with us over how many gifts the kids get. It all feels like a stressful competition for the kids’ love to me.
Sad Stepmom
Dear Sad Stepmom,
Without question, the holidays are the most stressful time of year for stepfamilies. It’s really important to let go of your fantasies about the holidays and be as flexible as possible.
It’s understandable that you would feel badly about your husband spending time with his ex on Christmas. I think it’s critical to look at what’s best for the kids. Does it make them happy to spend time with both parents on Christmas? I suspect it does. Perhaps you could just accept this and ask your husband to limit the time he spends with his ex on Christmas.
I think it’s a bad idea to fight with the exes over how much time you get to spend with the kids on Christmas. Your stepchildren will feel the tension and it will hurt them. One option is to choose another day to celebrate with the kids. Or you could ask if the children could be with you on Christmas Eve.
Try to avoid competing with his ex. I’m sure your husband takes part in this competition, and that makes it hard for you. You might also want to read this
story about our own family’s adventures inviting the ex-spouses for Christmas.
Good luck.
Lisa
