Is there any hope of saving your marriage? There are no easy answers to this question. The bottom line, according to three experts, is it depends on how much both parties want to work on the relationship. They've shared a list of tips to help couples in crisis.
1. Sometimes to improve a situation, we must learn how to make it worse.
Every day spend a few moments and think: “If today I wanted to voluntarily worsen my situation, what are all of the things that I could say or not say, do or not do, even think or not think, to worsen my situation?” says Chad Hybarger, Psy.D., clinical director of the Family Therapy Institute in El Cajon, Calif. By examining this, he says, you can become aware of the steps to make it better. You might be surprised to discover that what you are doing actually is making the situation worse.
2. Ask yourself, 'Is my spouse misbehaving for a reason or not?', Hybarger suggests.
Is the misbehavior the cause of your marital problem or the effect of it? Sometimes people misbehave because there is something wrong in the relationship that hasn’t been addressed. If that's the case, address the issue. When the misbehavior has no reason, the problem may be the individual. When a problem is an individual problem that is spilling over into the relationship, the relationship problem can become a distraction that allows one to avoid dealing with the problem. If this is the case, try putting the responsibility of the problem back on the person.
3. Know when to talk, or not.
When faced with the problem, do you keep it to yourself or tell others about the problem? According to Hybarger, if you are the silent type, you should try sharing your thoughts with your mate. On the other hand, if you tend to tell your friends, family and anyone who will listen about your problems, institute a conspiracy of silence. Sometimes when we talk too much, it can act as a fertilizer to make the problem grow.
4. Use reverse psychology.
If your relationship problem involves a spouse who likes to break the rules and it’s driving you crazy, try using reverse psychology. Encourage them, Hybarger suggests. If that seems too bold, tone it down, but keep the logic by telling them “I’d like it if you would do ______, but I don’t think you’re capable.”
5. Keep a balance.
When in doubt, Hybarger suggests you remember a Persian proverb: Those who love earnestly are doomed, but those that love with irony shall find contentment.
6. Learn how to communicate.
Linda Thema, a licensed clinical social worker in Venice, Fla., suggests reading books on the subject, attend marital enhancement counseling workshops.
