A second marriage is the chance to redo everything again: the wedding of your dreams, celebrating a new  life and not making the same mistakes as you did in your first marriage. But when someone gets remarried, is the hardest part planning your second wedding or telling your ex-spouse? The event is an awkward one - imagine having to tell someone you thought you'd spend a lifetime with that you've chosen someone else. 

According to Dr. L. Martin Johnson in Honolulu, Hawaii, the first step is determining where your relationship with your ex-spouse stands. "That's gonna really vary with each individual. For instance, it'll be a very different situation if the former spouses are on good terms," Johnson says. "It'll be different if they parted by mutual agreement, or if the party now remarrying was the one who left versus the one who got left. All of those things come into play. What's important is the current kind of relationship between the two of them," he says.
 
"The other relevant variable is: are there kids? Have they been divorced for 10 years, or are they not in contact? If they're both parenting young kids and have only been divorced for 18 months? Generally, the closer the relationship is, not necessarily emotionally, but how involved you are in each others lives is what determines whether you should tell someone." Johnson says it is best that you tell your ex-spouse the news unless your first marriage has been extremely problematic or abusive. "The one exception to that would be if it was an abusive relationship,and you were the victim, in which case, hopefully, there's little or no contact anyway," he says.

Deciding what to say is a tough step. "If you have an honest relationship, say 'I'm getting married again,'" says Jackie Garner, a University of Southern California master's student and intern at Pilgrimage in Laguna Hills, Cal. No matter how you tell your ex-spouse, Garner says to keep in mind that he or she may not see your second marriage as good news."It basically depends on the relationship. He can be happy for you, or he can be angry. It all depends on what caused the breakup," she says.  FamilyLawSoftware.com gives a fictional example of the kinds of feelings that can result from hearing the news.

"Everyone can expect Muriel to go into a tailspin. Lorne's remarriage means that the chances of a reconciliation are finally completely gone," according to the Web site. "Muriel may also feel that, while Lorne has found love, she has not. She may feel worthless and unloved, not to mention betrayed all over again."