Everyone who marries has a common goal: a strong, successful relationship. No one marries expecting to divorce. But defining the qualities that make a successful marriage can be complex.
Beau Weston, Ph.D., a professor of sociology from
Centre College in Kentucky, said that there may be one way to define a successful marriage. “I think for most people, a smart marriage is a permanent commitment of complimentary people to one another,” Weston said. Weston specializes in marriage and family life.
Weston said that for most people, the core idea of marriage is to vow to join together, and the “seal and cement” of the promise is having children. “In general, most people marry and have kids. Normally, the happiest people in society are married parents. They are most economically productive. They are really the pillars and backbone in society,” Weston said.
The happiness in marriage may come from being grateful for the positive effect marriage can have on one’s life and family, he said. “Knowing that you are doing a good and uplifting thing is meaningful.”
DEFINING A HAPPY MARRIAGE There are a variety of fundamentals that make marriages strong and successful, and there are as many definitions of good marriages as there are people in them. However, according to results from a
GfK Roper poll, people believe the definition of a successful marriage falls on a happiness scale.
Most people believe that, in order for a marriage to be considered a good one, the couple is happy at least 75 percent of the time. About 17 percent of people believe that a marriage is strong is the couple is happy more than half the time. Just one percent of people think that a marriage is successful if the couple is happy 25 percent of the time.
The people who responded to the poll seem to find themselves in happy marriages. Most of them, 75 percent, said they are happy at least three-quarters of the time. About 15 percent said they are happy at least half the time. Just 5 percent said they are never happy in their marriages.
The poll was conducted by GFK Roper, which is an independent research firm. Divorce360.com commissioned the study. GFK Roper polled more than 1,500 people in September. The polling sample was made up of about 55 percent women and 45 percent men. The margin of error for the study is plus- or minus-2.6 percent.
Other than evaluating how often the couple is happy, successful marriages seem to include some commonalities. The husband and wife know themselves and know what they want from the relationship. The couple communicates well and knows how to repair from a fight. The couple has a sense of equality and teamwork in the relationship. They also foster an emotionally and sexually intimate relationship.
AWARENESS OF EMOTIONAL HEALTHBeatty Cohan, who has been a practicing psychotherapist for more than 32 years and is based in Sarasota, Fla., said that a good marriages begin with healthy individuals. She said one must be emotionally and psychologically strong before building a strong relationship. Without it, the relationship will likely fail, she said.
The relationship is also unlikely to thrive if the individuals do not recognize and repair the emotional issues that were problematic in previous relationships. Entering into another marriage without repairing the damage from the first just won’t work, she said. “Your marriage is going to be a disaster,” Cohan said.
Sally Dear, who teaches about relationship issues at
Binghamton University, also said that people need to understand how a previous relationship derailed before beginning again. “People are afraid,” Dear said. “They don’t want that history to repeat themselves.”
Dear teaches a class about divorce and relationships called "Divorce Culture: Relationships and Developmental Issues." She said she often hears from students of her who are children of divorce and who have found their way to meaningful, successful relationships. She attributes that to the students learning about what makes relationships successful, as well as understanding their own needs in relationships.
“With the proper awareness and education, I really think that we could significantly decrease that trend of if you come from a divorced family, you are likely to get divorced,” Dear said.
