People strongly believe in the institution of marriage, even after they have been divorced.
More than 80 percent of divorced Americans still believe in marriage, according to results from a
GfK Roper poll. Leading mental health experts said the poll results reflect what they are seeing in their own practices. “Marriage provides continuity, and it gives you another person to share life events with,” said Dr. Scott Haltzman, a psychiatrist who teaches at Brown University. “And someone to give your day to day struggles meaning.
The GFK Roper poll, commissioned by Divorce360.com, analyzed a variety of marriage and divorce issues. More than 1,500 people responded to the telephone poll in September. The margin of error for the study is plus or minus 2.6 percent. The results showed that both divorced men and women said they strongly believed in the institution of marriage. When looked at separately, women were slightly stronger in their beliefs – 74 percent of men reported strong positive feelings about marriage, while 86 percent of women did.
Just 5 percent of the respondents said they no longer believed in marriage. When their answers were divided and analyzed, the results showed that 7 percent of women no longer believe in the institution, and 3 percent of men no longer believe. Haltzman said the strong underlying belief in marriage comes from the feelings of confidence and well-being it can provide. “People like the feeling of the safety and security that comes along with a lifetime commitment,” Haltzman said.
There are a variety of reasons that people still appreciate marriage, such as the fact that marriage is encouraged by society, people have a need for companionship, and that people see marriage as a way to solidify that companionship.
SOCIETAL ENCOURAGEMENT The reasons people support marriage can be complex, but it seems to begin from the fact that marriage is a societal norm, said
Dennis Lowe, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and a marriage and family therapist who founded the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University. People are encouraged to get an education, get married, and have kids, he said. “It becomes a part of something that is socially sanctioned, socially encouraged,” Lowe said.
Adding to that societal encouragement is the intrinsic desire for attachment and connection with other people in an intimate way, Lowe said. “One of the most socially-sanctioned ways to do that is in a marital relationship,” he said.
In fact, marriage is so valued by society that people look at it as a goal in life. And if it doesn’t work the first time, they are willing to try again, Lowe said. “Sometimes it’s something they dreamed about their whole life,” Lowe said. “After divorce, people may look at the experience as something that failed, but they don’t give up on that goal to be married," Lowe said.
“If it failed, they might think ‘Maybe we weren’t compatible, but I am not incompatible with marriage,’” Lowe said.
DESIRE FOR COMPANIONSHIP
Marriage becomes a significant life goal because the desire to be loved is a basic human need, said
Tom Diana, Ph.D., clinical psychologist with Family & Children’s Center in Minnesota. “And marriage has always been a way to achieve that,” Diana said.
No matter the trouble a relationship may bring, Diana said, people are willing to tolerate the negativity to be a part of a partnership. “Regardless of the trouble, people miss companionship, they miss having someone to settle in with, some to be with at night,” Diana said.
That need for companionship is powerfully tied to the basic need for love, Diana said. “We are social beings, we are social animals, and we need that companionship,” Diana said.
When one finds the person that brings love and companionship, Diana said, the next step is usually considering marriage. “Honestly, I don’t think people go into a marriage, first or second or whatever, that rationally. We tend to choose people who are familiar – familiar as in family. For good and for bad, we make those kinds of choices. I think we tend to pick people who are somehow completing us – they have characteristics that we don’t see in ourselves,” Diana said.
