Dear Lisa:
    
I’m a divorced, working mom who is dating a dad, Stan, who has two kids. He has  his kids half time. Our kids get along well. We have begun to get more serious. But the more serious we become, the more I wonder if this is the wrong relationship for me! 

First of all, I would like to  have another child, and he says he doesn’t have the time or financial resources  for that. Second, he says that if we live together, he thinks I should take care of his kids after school so they won’t have to go to daycare. Right now, I work part-time and pick my son up after school. But Stan is not exactly offering to pay me for this!  What’s more, he says that if we all live together, we’ll have to move into a bigger house, which he says he can’t afford, so I would have to help pay for his child support or shoulder a bigger portion of the mortgage than him.
 
It seems he really doesn’t have a lot of time, money or interest in what’s  important to me. I’m beginning to feel as if he wants to marry me so I can be his nanny. What do you think?

Having Second Thoughts


Dear Having Second Thoughts,
 
I’m so glad to hear you’re thinking twice about this! Many women find themselves in your position. Some of them happily take on the job of caring for his kids. They truly are happy to help out and bond with his kids. But many more take on this responsibility, help pay for his child support, and give up having their own child or children — only to feel really resentful about it!
     
Divorced dads often say that they shoulder much of the financial responsibility for their kids and have little time to spend time with their children. When a new woman enters the picture, there’s not much room for her. But that’s not the whole story.

“Too often, divorced dads see second wives as unpaid nannies,” says Margorie Engel, former president and CEO of the Stepfamily Association of America. She says it’s a bad idea for girlfriends and second wives to step in and care for their partner’s kids, especially at first. That’s the man’s job. If he gives it up, the kids often feel resentful. They feel like they’ve been abandoned.
 
You have two options: You can be very clear about wanting another child and not wanting to be his nanny. You could also suggest that you all buy a house you can afford so that you want have to shoulder too much financial responsibility. Or you can move on now. I suspect that you’ve learned enough to know that next time you’ll find a man who’s willing to make more room in his life for you.
 
You might want to read this story, which addresses just how resentful stepmoms become when they give too much in stepfamilies: www.realwriters.net/finances.html. And you may want to visit www.stepfamilytalkradio.com and listen to the audio, “How Stepmoms Can Survive and Thrive.”

Good luck.

Lisa