When you have decided to end your marriage, you should give serious thought to the manner in which you tell your spouse. Presumably you want to find a middle ground between slipping away in the night and booking the Wednesday slot on Maury Povich for a surprise announcement. This conversation will possibly set the tone for the whole process, so if you can lessen the hurt and anger here, it could help later. Here are some  tips to consider when talking with your spouse about divorce.

1. When and where:
Your spouse should be the first to know you want a divorce. If you have already told friends or relatives, there is always a chance your partner will hear about your intentions from someone else first, which will only amplify the resentment. Consider whether he or she would respond better to your announcement in private, at home, or in a public place like a restaurant or park. If your fear a violent reaction, it might be wise not to be alone with your spouse, for example. If your fear he or she will be self-destructive, you may wish to seek the help of a professional for advice ahead of time. 

2. Consider your timing.  
You don’t want to end up screaming your request during an argument over something else. So you should plan for a relatively stress-free time in your week to have this discussion. If you have children, perhaps arranging for them to be with friends would be helpful. It may be tempting to pick a holiday or special time when your family is together for your announcement, but consider whether you really want to turn your son’s birthday or Thanksgiving into “the day Daddy left.”

3. Be kind.
A surprising number of people who are divorced had no idea how unhappy their partners were. So, even if you have been miserable and thinking of moving on for months, your spouse may be shocked at your request. If asked why, give a reason if you can without being hurtful. Refrain from rehashing every fault you believe your partner has. Your spouse’s self-esteem already will be fragile enough. If you have met someone else, consider whether this is the best time to say so, or to act on that new attraction. After years of unhappiness with a distant, selfish husband who rarely helped with her four children, one woman we’ll call Linda finally decided to ask her husband for a divorce. Unfortunately, the catalyst for her decision was a brief fling on a cruise she took with friends. Her husband found e-mails from the other man and quickly focused the blame for all the marriage’s problems on her. He used all his resources in a bitter fight to be sure she lost her house, children and most of her income. Remember, the more drama you can avoid, the easier the separation process will be.