Dear Lisa,
I’m getting pretty serious about the guy I’m dating. He’s a divorced dad with two children. He wants to introduce me to his ex-wife. I have no idea how to handle this situation. I’m not sure what to say or how to behave. Where do I fit in? Should I be affectionate with him in front of her? How should I treat their kids in front of her? Should I compliment her about how she has raised her kids?
Help!
Thanks,
Dating A Dad
Dear Dating A Dad,
First of all, I think it’s great that he wants to introduce you to his ex. If you’re getting serious about him, you must meet her. This is why: Ex-wives can create an incredible amount of trouble for stepmoms and women dating dads. You should learn as much as possible about her as soon as possible.
I think it’s important to talk to your boyfriend about your role in this family. Generally, it’s a good idea for you to view yourself as an “extra adult” to his kids — not as a parent to them. If you can view yourself this way — and communicate this to his ex -- you’ll be much less threatening to her. However, dating dads often want their girlfriends to play the role of “mom” to their kids. They hope their girlfriends will drive the kids to their activities, cook for them, and clean up after them. This is not always a great idea — especially in the beginning -- so I suggest you not do all this, at least at first.
If you feel confident about your role and where you fit in, I think you’ll feel more comfortable meeting his ex. When you first meet her, be sure to avoid doing anything that may make her feel jealous — at least until you get to know her better. I would not be affectionate with your boyfriend or behave in a real lovey-dovey manner with his kids. This could set up competition between you and his ex. You don’t want that!
I think it’s a good idea to compliment her about how she has raised her kids. You might also want to tell her that you want to do what’s best for the kids. Tell her you see yourself as someone who supports her and her ex—not as a mom to her kids. To learn more about this issue, please read this story:
http://www.happenmagazine.com/magazine/article2.aspx?articleid=6353
I hope this is helpful! Be patient and don’t rush into marriage!
Good luck.
Lisa Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets. 