Q: My ex-husband and I share custody of our two sons, ages 9 and 13. Recently, my 9 year-old told me that his Dad planned to take him and his brother to the state fair, but that he did not want to go. He said, “Mommy, Dad can’t make me go, can he?” How should I answer that question?
A: It is important for divorced parents to support each other as much as possible in their parental roles. You might say to your son, “As your parents, both Daddy and I make decisions that concern you, and you may not be happy with all the decisions we make.” You could ask your son to explain why he does not want to go to the State Fair with his Dad. If his reason for not wanting to go does not involve his safety or well-being (for example, he may say, “I get bored on the long drive to the Fair”) you might ask if he has shared his feelings with his Dad, and if not, encourage him to do so. If he asks you to get involved, it is probably best for you to avoid interfering by saying something like, “This is between you and your Dad.”
On the other hand, if your son’s reasons for not wanting to go to the Fair cause you concern, a different approach may be warranted. For example, suppose your son tells you that he does not want to go to the Fair because he has a big test in school the day after the Fair and Dad will keep him up so late at the Fair that he will be tired and unprepared on the day of the big test. In this case, the first approach is still to encourage your son to talk to his Dad about his feelings and reason for not wanting to go to the Fair. Perhaps you could suggest to your son how he might negotiate a solution with his Dad (such as suggesting that they go to the Fair on a day that does not interfere with his big test in school). It would NOT be appropriate for you to say anything negative about your ex-husband to you son (such as “I can’t believe Daddy is making you go to the Fair when you don’t want to go. He doesn’t care about whether you get enough sleep or whether you do well in school).
If your son and his Dad cannot reach a solution and you feel strongly that you should intervene, do so in a way that does not come across as criticism of your ex-husband’s parenting. You could call or email your ex-husband and say that your son expressed concern about not doing well on his test in school if goes to the Fair the night before, and ask him if he would consider another plan, and if there is anything you can do to help with this situation.
But the bottom line is that you — and your son — will not agree with all of the parenting decisions your ex-husband makes, just as your ex-husband will not agree with all the parenting decisions you make. Unless you feel that your child’s safety and well-being is at stake, it is best to be supportive of the other parent. Intervene in your ex-spouse’s parenting decisions only in situations that you feel very strongly about, and even then, do so as diplomatically as possible. And, as the old saying goes, “choose your battles carefully.”
Caroline Schacht has a master’s degree in home economics and another in sociology. She has been trained as a divorce mediator and a teacher at East Carolina University, specializing in courtship and marriage classes. She is the co-author of several textbooks, including "Choices in Relationships and Understanding Social Problems." She can be reached a cschacht@suddenlink.net.