Single Parenting: Overparenting after Divorce
Parenting: Extreme Reactions Can Give Children Justification for Poor Behavior
By CARL PICKHARDT
It’s a risk parents run particularly with a first child, an only child, a last child at home, a child in crisis, or a child with special needs: becoming so absorbed in, preoccupied by, and invested in that single child that they overparent to formative effect. Overparenting occurs when parents carry some concern or care-taking behavior to such an extreme degree that the child reacts with an extremely troublesome response.
For example: parents who treat their child and that child’s happiness as number one priority in the family risk having a child who believes he or she is unduly self-important. “My wants and welfare matter most of all.”
Empowered by this sense of entitlement, not only may the child establish a tyranny of self-interest in the family, but may also seem incapable of playing and socializing on other children’s terms, and so have difficulty making and keeping friends. What’s called for in this case, of course, is for parents to moderate their absorption, preoccupation, and investment so that the child learns to live in two-way relationships that honor everyone’s importance, and not just in a one-way relationship that ministers to his or her needs alone. Parents who place undue importance on the child can encourage the child to claim undue importance in the family.
Consider some other common examples of overparenting.
In response to overly solicitous parents, a child can become extremely sensitive and easily upset.
“I get treated so carefully by my parents that I get easily hurt when not treated with that degree of consideration by other people.”
In response to overly critical parents, a child can become extremely judgmental and self-critical.
“I can never do well enough to satisfy my parents, am really hard on myself and other people say that I am too hard on them.”
