Dear Well-meaning:
Many stepfathers find it tough to connect with a rejecting stepchild, according to a study by E. Mavis Hetherington, author of “For Better or For Worse: Surprising Results From the Most Comprehensive Study of Divorce In America.” In fact, many stepdads give up the battle after only two years, Hetherington says. I hope you won't be one of the stepdads!
Stepdads need to embrace patience, honor their stepchildren’s relationships with their biological parents, and find a support system outside their new stepfamily. They should try to connect with step-kids on the children’s own terms.
Your son’s mother and biological father play critical roles in the stepdad-stepchild relationship, says Robert Klopfer, a licensed clinical social worker and co-director of Stepping Stones Counseling Center, Ridgewood, N.J. If a child is rejecting, the stepfather should try to understand that the child may feel he needs to be loyal to his biological parents. “Kids get cues from other family members,” Klopfer says.
In addition, single parents and their children often form very tight bonds. It’s natural for your wife to protect her son when there is conflict. However, you might consider working with your wife — and possibly a counselor or minister — to define your role in your stepfamily. It’s generally not a good idea to establish new rules or discipline a new stepchild.
If stepdads feel like they’re outsiders — which is common in new stepfamilies — stepdads often feel powerless, says Klopfer. They feel especially alone and powerless if they have no biological children of their own. And they often don’t know how to acknowledge or communicate these feelings, he adds.
To help create an environment that allows love to develop, stepdads should try to connect with their step-kids by focusing on their interests, like soccer or music, says Klopfer. “Learn to relate by giving the child something they need from you,” says Klopfer.
Good luck.
Lisa
Lisa Cohn has written for the Christian Science Monitor, Parenting, Mothering, Your Stepfamily Magazine and other publications. She writes an advice column for Philly Women (www.philly.com) and is the co-host of Stepfamily Talk Radio (www.stepfamilytalkradio.com.) Lisa has been quoted about divorce and stepfamilies by the Associated Press, Washington Post, Time Magazine, msn.com and other media outlets. 